62. RAPE AND RUNNING SCARED
Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to take a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.
Moving house is one of the top most stressful things a person can do. So what if you use moving homes as a way of protecting yourself? This is me.
After my cruel abuse from the man I call Alex, and the multiple traumatic gang rapes at work, I moved to a new town. This was to try to distance myself from those people who were intending to continue their brutal sexual attacks. I thought I would feel better about life and feel safe to live elsewhere without always looking over my shoulder.
It didn’t work. So I moved again. Another 15 times, including three different towns. I was unable to feel safe. I always felt hyper vigilant, fearful of the next assault on my battered body and fragile mind.
But wait a minute. Was I really keeping myself safe? Or was I trapped in the clutches of all those perpetrators?
I have now come to the realisation that running scared is not working for me, in the way I intended. All it has really done is isolate myself from the wider community and heightened my anxiety So all the fun groups I’d like to join, and people I’d like to befriend, I have in essence stopped myself from being able to do.
You see, most of my perpetrators probably no longer remember I even exist. In fact, I happen to know that some are actually dead. Why am I still punishing myself by moving all the time when they have forgotten?
By moving around so much, I have given those predators power over me. And that is what I thought I was running away from. Their influence over me has had me constantly moving, never settling long enough to put down roots and build up a community of friends who can empathise with my life and situation. Never an opportunity to heal.
Now, I have moved for what I hope will be the last time. Whether or not I feel safe, I actually am safe. Safe to put down roots. Safe to live my life. Dr H has helped me to realise this fact. And it’s that fact that matters.
And what about you? Do you keep moving house in the hope to make yourself feel safe? You don’t need to. You are taking that feeling with you. It won’t be until you take your power back from your perpetrators, you will find that you are already safe. That will show you are healing.
This time the gem is an affirmation:
Feelings are not facts
This has taken me a long time to learn. The fact is I am no longer in the mind-games place where those perpetrators are. And now that I have realised the truth of those facts, I am in a better place to heal from those feelings that have trapped me into endless moves. And heal I am — and you can too.
Thank you for joining me on this walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on your opinion of the above affirmation. And until next time, just breathe and believe.
With love and care, Ruby.
