Rape and Shame

 65. RAPE AND SHAME

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Shame is an emotion that I know only too well. I have been ashamed of myself for all of my remembered life. There are so very many things that make me feel ashamed. Let me tell you about some of the most common ones.

I have been ashamed of my body for as long as I can recall. This is because of  drastically traumatising actions by a pedofile I’ll refer to as Mr Mark did when I was a toddler. He took not only my virginity, but the self confidence and self esteem that is so vital for emotional growth.

I became even more ashamed after my time working in a horrifically abusive and dangerous workplace conditions. I was unable to stop the physical violence and traumatic gang rapes my work colleagues perpetrated against me. I was ashamed of not being able to end their tortuous acts against me, or tell anyone about it.

During this time at that gruesome cruelty, I also became under the the sadistic control of the man I refer to as Alex. I couldn’t stop him from raping me. And I became even more ashamed at being unable to overcome his use of me as a sex slave.

I became so very ashamed every time I had a trauma induced orgasm. I was ashamed because each and every time these forced orgasms occurred, it felt like my physical body was screaming, “yes, yes, yes” while my inner self was sobbing, “no, no, no”. I was so ashamed that I lost my true self in all of this pain and horror.

After fleeing these toxic people, I tried to to rebuild my life and my broken sense of self. However, that grief of shame was flung into my face yet again. The whispering of people behind my back; the painful comments made to my face. That girls were just asking to be raped. They dressed too provocatively. They teased and led the men on. They said it was no wonder that women were getting raped.

And so I was engulfed in that powerful negative emotion, shame. Even the general public were saying being raped was the survivor’s fault. Oh that dreadful feeling of utter desperation. That was my socially enforced shame.

And so now I am in therapy. My thought was it would be a last ditch effort to free myself from the burden I carried. That was how I viewed my shame. And yet it was the best thing I could have done to heal.

With the right therapist, I am starting to free my psyche from the pain and bondage that has been my lifelong struggle with shame. I am coming to the realisation that this tragedy of shame I have been carrying, is not mine at all. The feeling of shame belongs with all those perpetrators. The shame also belongs to those members of society that put the fault at my door. Slowly but surely, I am now truly rebuilding myself, one piece at a time. That is because I am healing. And yes, you can too.

The gem this time is a quote attributed to Brene Brown:

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive”.

I am finding this to be true. My feelings of shame are slowly dying, as I share my past with my therapist. Dr H is showing me a different side to life. One free from the painfully traumatic shame. As I am finding, what I thought was my shame, is dying. Your erroneous belief of shame, won’t survive either.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on who in your life is helping your false sense of shame die too. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.