Rape and Anxiety

 54. RAPE AND ANXIETY 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end, so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

After abuse and rape, the survivor can be left to battle many negative thoughts. Many are based around the same emotion. That is anxiety. I know, because I have anxiety too.

Along with the brutal gang rapes at work, and the sex slavery with the man I refer to as Alex, I became extremely anxious. I was anxious about the clothes I wore, what I ate (and when), I was even anxious about being around dogs. I was anxious in case I was late, I was anxious in case I was too early. If there was a decision to make, I was anxious.

For me, anxiety is like sitting on a burning fence. On one side, you have vicious crocodiles. On the other voracious sharks. No matter which side you jump to, you may not survive. There is one thing that you know for sure though. You cannot stay sitting on that burning fence. You must decide.

My anxiety is making that decision. You see, those big vicious crocodiles, are actually nothing but a litter of playful puppies. And those voracious sharks? Little bouncy woolly lambs. So why did I see those other creatures? That is the trick of anxiety. Every decision seems to have an unwarranted number of negative consequences, when in actuality everything is fine. But I, with my anxiety, can’t see it. 

My anxiety has stopped me from many things. Special family moments that I won’t get back. Because I couldn’t see past what I thought was the volatile storm instead of the rainbows and sunshine that was really there.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the decision to make what you think will work out for good in the end of a slimy dark tunnel, isn’t the anxiety playing tricks on you. Sometimes there is no positive outcome. In which case, the anxiety is made worse.

However, living with anxiety isn’t the end. I can’t still have a positive experience of the world. It just means that at times my life will be more of a roller coaster ride than plain sailing on calm seas. Sometimes the decisions I make beat the anxiety. Those are my good days. Sometimes the anxiety wins, my bad days.

So there is hope. My good days are becoming more than my bad days. The anxiety no longer holds me paralysed, as it once did. I can dance in the sunshine. And I am learning to take shelter in the storms. And that is because I’m healing.

What about you? Does your anxiety keep you paralysed because of the storm it tells you there is? You don’t have to stay that way. Sometimes you just have to take a big deep breath, and a leap of faith. Slowly you will find that those leaps of faith get easier to take. Being in the present changes things for the better. You are healing, too.

This time the gem of positivity is a Japanese phrase:

Ichigo ichie 

Generally, it means “treasure every moment, for it will never recur”. That is what my life with anxiety is teaching me. That all those lost moments won’t come back, so I’m learning to take that leap of faith and live with my anxiety too. And that is the choice I’ve made. I’ve chosen to heal. Don’t you want to make that choice too?

Thank you for joining me in this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are choosing to do to win against your anxiety. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Boredom

 53. RAPE AND BOREDOM 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you join me for a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma and abuse. Don’t forget to stay to then end, so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Due to the abuse and rapes in my life, both past and present, I have an immense sense of fear. The fear of being raped again, for instance. So what happens when your fear is so great you’re afraid to start anything new? You come to my predicament; boredom.

So, what picture comes to my mind, as I think of my boredom? Something that oozes — like a slimy slug. Boredom sits in a stagnant spot. Not moving, yet releasing its effluent.

My boredom has a grey-green colour to it, just like a slug. It’s silver ooze infiltrates over the entirety of my brain and life. It’s not like there aren’t any things to actually do — cooking, cleaning, meeting with friends or family, reading an interest-grabbing book, working on a hobby, etc. 

Yet this trauma-based “fear” boredom sees me sitting at home feeling restless (at times). I feel that I am unable to do anything other than breathe and exist. Even food holds no interest. Well, not enough to try to break out of the clutches of this slimy sticky boredom.

I feel stuck fast. Unable to enjoy something in case it brings on more abuse, or I get raped again. I feel irritable and fidgety, wanting to do something, yet so afraid to actually do anything. And the abuse is just as insidious itself as is the boredom. It often feels like this is me, for the rest of my life.

Even more so, it is worsened by the people around me who I care about. Why, you might well ask. These people often misinterpret my boredom as laziness. This brings out further fear and stress, which in turn makes the ooze of boredom even stickier and harder to break free from.

However, there is hope. You see, I’m not always caught up in the clutches of this slug of boredom. As I heal, I find that there are even whole weeks when the slime withdraws from the recesses of my very being. Now, when I feel this stultifying boredom, there are times I can actually bring myself to start a project. Yes I still get caught up in boredom, but it’s not always so hard to break free from when starting a new endeavour.

What about you? Do you feel this slug of trauma based fear that drives your boredom? There is good news and hope. You won’t always feel this way. Slowly but surely, you will find it easier to beat the boredom slug. And when you do, you will know you are just like me. You are healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote often used in book clubs:

“You have to let yourself get so bored that your mind has nothing better to do than tell itself a story.”

Funnily enough, I’m finding this quote to be true. Sometimes I do have to let my boredom get so great, it acts as a stimulant. And as I heal, I am able the beat my boredom faster. And as you heal, you will find this to be true, too

Thank you for joining me in this short walk through my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on your favourite way to beat your slug of boredom. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Resentment

 52. RAPE AND RESENTMENT 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you may enjoy my gem of positivity.

After childhood abuse and rape as an adult, I have been trying to battle through many negative emotions. At this stage in my healing, resentment is one of the strongest emotions I feel.

For me, it’s a confusing emotion. I feel it most strongly when I think about my time with the man I refer to as Alex. When he forced his way into living in my home, I resented the intrusion of my personal space. It seems such a little thing, considering what he perpetrated next. However, it felt big then, and I still resent it now.

Later, as Alex’s horrendous enslavement and violation of my body and mind spiralled out of control, I resented the way in which he used and abused me. And yet, in my tortured state, if I wanted to be intimate with Alex, he would refuse.

I resented the way he refused to love me the way a woman deserves to be loved. I resented his cruel use and abuse of my body and mind. I resented him even living in my house. I harboured a lot of resentment towards Alex. And in many ways I still do.

I have resentment for the way my coworkers cruelly and sadistically gang raped me and tortured my already abused body. They’re constant attacks even twisted my mind into thinking that these were normal occurrences in the workplace. Yet even with my warped thinking, I resented not being able to just get on with the work I was meant to be doing.

With trauma  memories of my childhood molestation returning, my instant reaction now to resent those adult perpetrators. I resent those men (and women) still, for their vile and brutal acts on my little innocent self..

And what about now? I resent my “nearest and dearest” family for not being understanding and forgiving of my automatic trauma fear responses. The trauma induced reactions are not a deliberate act of defiance, or refusal to “act normally”. They are subconscious and automatic reactions, not of my full control.

The good news is, that as I slowly heal, my resentment is lessening. Just a little bit better each and every day. You see, my resentment of all these people I have talked about, isn’t doing anything to them, or changing what was, and is, happening now. All my feelings of resentment are eating me up.

To truly heal, I need to learn to deal with all my resentment, no matter how justified I feel it is. I’m needing to let go of all my bitterness and hurt. I don’t want to be stuck in the past. Although it is so very hard work, I’m slowly working on it.

And what about you? Are you stuck in the misery of your resentment? You don’t have to stay that way. Little by little, piece by piece, your resentment will get less. And that’s when you know, just like me, you are healing.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote that is attributed to Saint Augustine:

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

In my journey to heal, I’m finding this fact to be so very true. It’s me that was getting hurt by my resentment, not any of the people I resent. It’s taken me a long time to realise the truth in the quote. So I’m choosing to do something positive with all my resentment. I’m choosing to heal. Don’t you want to make that choice too?

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are letting go of your resentment. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Self Doubt

 51. RAPE AND SELF DOUBT

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

After a trauma such as bullying or rape, there are so many emotions that are brought to the front. There is one emotion in particular that takes hold of the survivor. That emotion is self doubt.

In my school days when I was bullied, I was always left asking myself, “Have I done something wrong? Maybe I should have…. If I do this, what will happen ?” And later on as a young adult being bullied and sexually harassed by my coworkers, I asked myself the same questions. 

As a result, I have been left with an almost unconscious feeling of self doubt. I am forever second guessing each and every decision that I make when they are large, such as where to go on vacation and how much to pack. But it’s also the teeny tiny things, like will I ring my parents today, what shoes to wear, even what I should spread on my toast.

Such self doubt leaves me feeling wobbly and unstable. I’m not really sure I can put  this feeling into an image. It’s a battle each and every day, so much I am left by bedtime feeling physically and mentally exhausted.

What makes my self doubt worse these days is the constant criticism I get from my “nearest and dearest”. Their responses, such as anger or frustration, only make me doubt myself and my decisions even more. “Why do you have to pack and repack the things you’re taking with us on holiday?” Or, “Why is it taking you so long to make some toast?”

It is these such insidious questions that have me doubting myself so much that I just say things like, “I don’t want breakfast/lunch anyway”. Even to the point that I don’t go on vacations anymore. It’s just not worth the self doubt that comes with the exhaustive indecision, and ridicule from my family.

Now that I have people like Dr H, Dr Q and some new supporters (Gulliver and Johanna), I am slowly starting to become more confident about the decisions that I make. Because right from the start, they have allowed me the space to make my decisions in my own time. And that has been a crucial factor in my battle with self doubt.

It started with being faced with small decisions, such as where I would like to sit in therapy. When faced with bigger decisions, I can now talk about the positives and negatives of any given decision. If I need to, I even write them down to help me see exactly what the potential outcomes might be. This is a positive step in the right direction for overcoming my self doubt. It means I’m healing.

What about you? Are you fighting indecision and self doubt? Does your self doubt cause you to give up on even enjoyable things because you don’t know what decision to make? You don’t need to stay that way. Find supportive people who allow you to make your decisions in your own time. Talk about the pros and cons. Write them down if you need to. Slowly and surely, like me, you will gain confidence in your ability to make your own decisions. That means, just as I am, you are healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Caroline Ghosn:

“You are bigger than your self doubt. Remind yourself of that each and every day.”

Right now, for me that is a difficult concept to accept. But each and every day I am learning that I am bigger and stronger that all my self doubt. I am winning the battle; I am healing. Don’t you want to heal too?

Thank you for joining me in this journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are doing to beat your self doubt. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby