Rape and Trickery

 66. RAPE AND TRICKERY 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk through my journey of healing, from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Since I started writing this blog, it has made me stop to think about if there are any common methods used across the range of my perpetrators. And there is one that stands out for me. That method is the use of trickery.

As a small child, the pedofile I refer to as Mr Mark abused me with great trickery. He told me that using his penis was just showing me how much he loved me. It also meant that I was a big girl. My mummy would get a pleasant surprise at my being such a big grown up girl.

And yet I was not to tell my mother. Because if I did she would go away and never come back. Mr Mark also tricked me into believing that all daddies loved their little girls with their penis (which he called his “lollipop”). If my daddy didn’t, it meant that he didn’t love me.

Because of these trickery lies I developed into a person with an extreme sense of insecurity with both my parents. I was excessively attached to my mum, and exceptionally scared of my own dad. Neither were a basis for healthy relationships. 

Then, as an adult, I was again tricked by the lies of perpetrators in my work environment. One man told me it was the price I had to pay for him to “protect” me from the other perpetrators in the workplace. This lasted only until he got bored.

My cousin worked in the same company as the other perpetrators. He pretended he would lose his job if I didn’t put up with the sexual and physical abuse. This lie was then replaced by one final trick. If I said anything to anyone, they would track down all of my family and murder them. I was so traumatised by that stage, I believed this trickery.

It was during this time that I became innocently ensnared by the trickery of the man I refer to as Alex. This began when I was tricked by my boss into letting Alex live in my house as a favour of a friend. After that, I was doomed. He tricked his way into my bed and painfully, and repeatedly, raped me. He tricked me day in and day out that everything Alex was doing to me, was only out of his love for me.

I am learning in therapy that these are common tricks used by evil perpetrators of these vile crimes. And yes, they are crimes. In reality, my family was never in any danger, and neither  I nor my cousin would have lost our jobs. Most of all, Alex didn’t in fact love me. They were all just heinous tricks. However, as I come to see each trick for what it truly was, I’m finding that I can heal.

What about you? Do these tricks sound familiar in your life and situation? As hard as it is, it’s vital that you see these lies for the tricks they are. And it is hard. It’s painful too. But once you recognise this trickery for the lies it is, you will find yourself on the journey of healing too. And that’s no trick.

The gem of positivity this time is a very small affirmation which speaks volumes:

I am not my past.

As I travel along my journey of healing, this is something that I remind myself of every day. Just because I was tricked in the past, I don’t have to remain in that web of tricky lies. So, although I have been tricked in the past, my future lies in seeing those tricks for what they are. That’s the way I can have a future — and you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are seeing the tricks for what they are. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Shame

 65. RAPE AND SHAME

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Shame is an emotion that I know only too well. I have been ashamed of myself for all of my remembered life. There are so very many things that make me feel ashamed. Let me tell you about some of the most common ones.

I have been ashamed of my body for as long as I can recall. This is because of  drastically traumatising actions by a pedofile I’ll refer to as Mr Mark did when I was a toddler. He took not only my virginity, but the self confidence and self esteem that is so vital for emotional growth.

I became even more ashamed after my time working in a horrifically abusive and dangerous workplace conditions. I was unable to stop the physical violence and traumatic gang rapes my work colleagues perpetrated against me. I was ashamed of not being able to end their tortuous acts against me, or tell anyone about it.

During this time at that gruesome cruelty, I also became under the the sadistic control of the man I refer to as Alex. I couldn’t stop him from raping me. And I became even more ashamed at being unable to overcome his use of me as a sex slave.

I became so very ashamed every time I had a trauma induced orgasm. I was ashamed because each and every time these forced orgasms occurred, it felt like my physical body was screaming, “yes, yes, yes” while my inner self was sobbing, “no, no, no”. I was so ashamed that I lost my true self in all of this pain and horror.

After fleeing these toxic people, I tried to to rebuild my life and my broken sense of self. However, that grief of shame was flung into my face yet again. The whispering of people behind my back; the painful comments made to my face. That girls were just asking to be raped. They dressed too provocatively. They teased and led the men on. They said it was no wonder that women were getting raped.

And so I was engulfed in that powerful negative emotion, shame. Even the general public were saying being raped was the survivor’s fault. Oh that dreadful feeling of utter desperation. That was my socially enforced shame.

And so now I am in therapy. My thought was it would be a last ditch effort to free myself from the burden I carried. That was how I viewed my shame. And yet it was the best thing I could have done to heal.

With the right therapist, I am starting to free my psyche from the pain and bondage that has been my lifelong struggle with shame. I am coming to the realisation that this tragedy of shame I have been carrying, is not mine at all. The feeling of shame belongs with all those perpetrators. The shame also belongs to those members of society that put the fault at my door. Slowly but surely, I am now truly rebuilding myself, one piece at a time. That is because I am healing. And yes, you can too.

The gem this time is a quote attributed to Brene Brown:

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive”.

I am finding this to be true. My feelings of shame are slowly dying, as I share my past with my therapist. Dr H is showing me a different side to life. One free from the painfully traumatic shame. As I am finding, what I thought was my shame, is dying. Your erroneous belief of shame, won’t survive either.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on who in your life is helping your false sense of shame die too. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Confusion

 64. RAPE AND CONFUSION 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual violence. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy the gem of positivity.

The trauma of childhood sexual abuse, which continued into adulthood, has left me in great confusion. This confusion continues to be an issue for me to this very day. Let me tell you about some of my confusion.

I was sexually assaulted as a toddler. The main perpetrator, who I will refer to as Mr Mark, told me that it was “our little secret”. He then, after stealing my virginity, told me that “if you tell anyone your mummy will go away and you will break up your family”. As a small child, I was at an extremely impressionable age. I believed what Mr Mark said.

This affected my development as I grew. I was reluctant to speak out about anything at all. I still believed that I must not say my thoughts and feelings, which I bottled up inside me.

I was confused. Do I speak about anything at all? The confusion made school difficult. When called upon by teachers for answers, I was shy and fearful of the consequences of me speaking.

In adulthood, my confusion stepped up further during the time I was under the manipulative power of the man I refer to as Alex. He was successful in controlling me by saying everything he was doing to me was out of love. 

This caused complete confusion. How could this be love when he was physically assaulting me and selling my body as a sex slave? So I began to believe that this was indeed love.

Do you see how I could be so confused? From the traumatic abuse from both Mr Mark and Alex, I came to the conclusion that it was bad to speak up; that pain meant love.

Yet now, in therapy, I am being taught a different way of life. It is actually good to speak, especially when evil things happen. Love does not necessarily mean pain — certainly not physical nor sexual pain anyway.

All these social rules, from Mr Mark, Alex, and in therapy, has my brain in shambles. Who do I believe? The negative I have grown believing, or the positive I am being taught now in therapy?

As you can see, I have very good reason to be so confused. Yet slowly but surely the fog is starting to clear. The confusion is fading. Thanks to the help of people like Dr H, Dr Q, and Johanna, I’m coming around to believe a new narrative. I am healing.

What about you? Are you in a state of confusion from your life and perpetrators? You too can have the mixed up fog in your life clear as well. That’s because, just like me, you can heal.

The gem this time is a quote attributed to Robert Frost:

“The best way out is always through”.

This is what I am slowly coming to realise about my confusion. I can’t clear the fog by staying still. But if I keep plodding on, one step at a time, my fog of confusion will clear. I will be able to hope for a future I didn’t think I would ever have. It’s a hope you can have too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you hope for in your life. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Mind Games

 63. RAPE AND MIND GAMES

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

One of the factors that makes it so hard for me to heal, is the mind games perpetrators have used on me. Every time the man I refer to as Alex assaulted me, he said it was out of love that I made him do it. If I only wouldn’t talk back. If I would just cook better food. If I would just not shower on my own. If I would just work harder as a sex slave and earn him more money.

However Alex hasn’t been the only one to use mind games, falsely getting me to believe that I was always the one in the wrong. I was actually groomed by pedofiles into believing I was the one at fault, which started at two years of age.

The main perpetrator , Simon, from the pedofile ring of men I was exposed to from that age, also played cruel mind games on my fragile mental health. I was tricked to believe it was okay to play his vile, evil games because it would prove to my mummy that I really was a “good and big girl”.

Simon compounded this tragedy, after he took my virginity at age three. I  was threatened that if I ever told anyone what he’d done, my mummy would be taken away. It would be my fault that my family would be torn apart. 

Because of these mind game lies, I have gone through my life to date brainwashed by what all those  abusers have told me. Increasingly year by year that it was that it was my job to keep my family safe and together. If something bad happened, it was my fault. No matter how small the issue, I had failed in my life’s duty.

Even today, the effects of the mind games continue traumatised me to the point of believing in any given situation that I am the one in the wrong. I apologise for anything and everything. Even recently another perpetrator, Mark, has sown the seed of further doubt in my already brittle and broken psyche. That an apology from me doesn’t mean anything, because I say “sorry” so much.

With the help from people like Dr H, I am starting to break free from the powerful hold of those mind games, which have traumatically shaped my life in every way. I’m starting to say less frequently that I’m sorry for things I haven’t done wrong. Slowly I am coming to the realization that I am not responsible for everything bad that happens to my family. That’s because I’m healing.

And what about you? Are you trapped in the cruel grips of the mind games perpetrators have used on you? It’s hard work to break those heinous bonds of the seeds those perpetrators have planted in your mind and life. However, freeing yourself from those evil shackles is possible. And that means you are healing, too.

This time, the gem is a quote from Curtis Tyrone Jones:

“Some people are weapons that will put you out of your mind, unless you put THEM out of mind”.

This is what I’m learning. To truly heal, I need to push my perpetrators and their mind games out of my head. To no longer give those traumatic words from cruel people, the luxury of space in my mind. I won’t lie, it’s hard. But I’m stronger, and I’m going to heal. And you can to.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are winning over your perpetrator’s mind games. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.