Rape and Withdrawal

 57. RAPE AND WITHDRAWAL 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

There have been a multiple of negative effects that my many rapes have left me with. One of the hardest for other people to understand is that of withdrawal. Because withdrawal can be both a help, and a hindrance. Let me explain.

I used to be an outdoors sort of person. I wouldn’t think twice about going out for a walk. Even at home, I was able to sit out in the “public” spaces in my house, not minding whoever saw me, and in fact being able to greet visitors at the door.

That all changed after my time at work, being viciously gang raped and other horrific brutalities. My time at work coincided with the monstrously illegal and abominable mistreatment from the man I refer to as Alex. His actions played an enormous role in my post traumatic life changes, too.

When I escaped from both situations, I was a completely different person. I was no longer happy to go outside of my home. I didn’t greet people anymore. I couldn’t look people in the face, simply out of fear of what I might see. Even when living with family, if there was a knock on the front door, I vanished into my bedroom. And into myself.

I withdrew into my own little world, where everything was safe. If I wasn’t seen by anyone, if no one heard me, I wouldn’t be hurt by anyone. I did my best to make myself invisible. I withdrew so much, I became mute and rarely left my bed, let alone my bedroom.

Do you see what happened? By withdrawing from the world, I actually trapped myself. I essentially put me in a prison. I was punishing me, for the heinous crimes that had been inflicted upon me. My withdrawal didn’t in fact affect my perpetrators. All that happened was that I showed the world just how much power these men still had over me. Despite my escaping, those men were still controlling me; in essence, winning.

The situation was one of allowing myself to become a victim in my own eyes. Then one day, after a counseling session with Dr H, he made a comment that had me stop and think. He said that the fact I had lived through all that pain and suffering from such utter gruesome and completely traumatic abuse, that made me a survivor.

But wait a minute. Was I really living? Unable to leave my bed and home? To me, my actions were those more inline with a victim, not a survivor. And so, I decided to change. I decided to prove to myself that I didn’t need to withdraw from the world. I had been punished enough. Now to show the world that I was a survivor, no longer the helpless victim.

I will tell you right now, it hasn’t been easy at all. I still have that initial instinct to withdraw and hide into myself, when new people and situations pop up. However, I am getting better at not withdrawing.

And what about you? Have you withdrawn from the world? It isn’t necessary. However, it won’t be easy to re-engage with your place in the world. You deserve better than the punishment of withdrawal. Because, just like me, you are a survivor.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Franz Kafka:

“You can withdraw from the suffering of this world….. but perhaps that withdrawal is the only suffering you might be able to avoid.”

And I have now found this quote to be so very true. I withdrew from the suffering I had been afflicted with. I made myself suffer further by my withdrawal. I let so many opportunities of happiness pass me by, compounding my pain. No more. I’m making a survivor’s choice of joining the world once more. Don’t you want to join me?

Thank you for taking this short walk with me in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment about what you are looking forward to doing by rejoining the world. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Therapy

 56. RAPE AND THERAPY 

Hello and welcome back to my blog, Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to take a short walk with me through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

There are a variety of reasons why a person may seek therapy. In fact there are at least nine key reasons for enlisting the help of a therapist*. However the key reason I’m focusing on is sexual trauma.

Although I have a history of childhood abuse, it wasn’t until after my time at work and with the man I refer to as Alex, that I started therapy at 21 years of age. Even so, finding the right therapist for me, hasn’t been easy. Why, you might very well ask? Because therapy (and therapists) are not just a one size fits all. Let me give you some examples from my time working with different therapists.

My first therapist was a lovely young woman. She was a sexual assault counsellor. Her method of counseling me was to tell me to “just not think about the rapes, and you will find they just go away naturally”. For some sexual assault survivors, who have resilient characteristics, this type of therapy does actually work. For me, it simply wasn’t the way forward.

Another therapist, an older woman, told me that masturbating was the key to my recovery. I didn’t (and still don’t) understand how masturbation was going to help me to recover from childhood sexual abuse and rapes(as an adult). So again, it may be suitable for some survivors, I just wasn’t one of them.

It went on like this for more than twenty years. Some I didn’t gel with, others used my therapy sessions for me to help them with their own problems and issues. At one stage, I had four consecutive ill fitting therapists in the space of two and a half years. It just seemed to go on so long that I despaired of ever finding the right help.

Then I met Dr H. He didn’t try to fit me into a preconceived idea of what is best for me by his own judgement alone. He listened to me, and really heard my needs and what I desired in my therapeutic outcomes. From those initial sessions, together we worked out a plan of action. I had finally found the right therapist for me.

However, it still isn’t plain sailing. There are times when I find that an issue is still too hard to face and deal with. Those are the days when I push Dr H away, trying to hide from an issue that must be dealt with so that I can heal into a whole person. Not the same as I would have been, but healed just the same.

And what about you? Have you found your own version of my Dr H? Someone who listens to you and your individual therapy needs. If not, don’t be down hearted and discouraged. There is a therapy, and therapist, out there for you. You don’t need to suffer from the wrong kind of “help”. It might be just what another person needs. That doesn’t make you bad, or too difficult to please. You will have your needs met if you persevere to find the therapist for you. And you know what? When you do, you will find that, just like me, you will be healing.

This time I have chosen as my gem a well known Japanese proverb:

Nana korobi ya oki

The translation is: “fall seven times, stand up eight”. And that’s how it is in therapy. I am keeping moving forward, and I am finding the right therapy (or rather, mix of therapies), that support my moving forward, despite all those other “failed” attempts. I have persevered because I’m making the choice to heal. And I encourage you to make the choice to heal, too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk through my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what therapy is helping you to heal. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

*

1. Navigating anxiety and depression 
2. Managing trauma 
3. Improving relationships 
4. Coping with big life changes
5. Seeking personal growth 
6. Improving emotional regulation 
7. Managing unhealthy coping mechanisms
8. Managing the physical symptoms of stress 
9. Dealing with persistent and intrusive negative thoughts 

Rape and Disappointment

 55. RAPE AND DISAPPOINTMENT 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

There is a wide and varied range of emotions that a rape and abuse survivor may feel. One of my emotions is that of disappointment. There is disappointment in the perpetrators breaking my trust. I still feel that disappointment.

Most of the disappointment I feel, stems from my time as a sex slave for the man I refer to as Alex, and also from abuse at work (these two timeframes happened to coincide). The gang raping had already begun when Alex forced his way into my home and life. Yet it was from Alex my deepest disappointments started.

When Alex first raped me, I was not only stunned by this blatant betrayal of my trust. I was greatly disappointed by this heartbreaking act. I felt that I couldn’t trust my own judgment as to who was “safe” to be around. I was also very disappointed in Alex himself.

Alex had said he loved me. He had claimed to not be like all the other men in my life. Yet when it came to crunch time, he disappointed me by being just as untrustworthy. And that disappointment grew, each and every time he raped me. Imagine the overwhelming disappointment I felt when he imprisoned me in my own home, and sold my body for sex, to pay for his alcohol and illicit drugs.

My disappointment was so great that I felt utterly black in despair. Devoid of hope, light, and trust. But it wasn’t Alex I was mostly disappointed in, it was me. I felt disappointed that each and every time Alex said that the rapes and sex slavery acts wouldn’t happen again, I believed him. I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to stop Alex while being raped. If only I was stronger; if only I had fought back; if only I was worth loving.

Do you see how insidious my disappointment was? It was me I was hurting with my own disappointment. I was not putting it fairly and squarely where it belonged — with Alex. It was Alex who was the disappointment, not me at all.

The further I travel in my journey to heal I am learning to accept that my disappointment is not because of something that I did or didn’t do. I am learning to put the burden of disappointment that I had turned on myself, back on to the perpetrator. This is fair and just.

And what about you? Are you disappointed in yourself for what perpetrators have done? You don’t need to be. Yes, be disappointed in the perpetrators and their treacherous, abominable actions and behaviour. But no, not disappointed in yourself. I do understand that the concept is easier to say than do. However little by little, day by day, you will lose that destructive disappointment you are harbouring against yourself. That’s how you will know that, just like me, you are on the road to healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote from AJ Tracey:

“You can’t dwell on disappointment. You’ve got to take the positives and keep looking ahead.”

And that’s exactly it. If I dwell on the disappointments from my past, I fail to see the good things of now. I need to keep looking ahead, to move past my disappointment before it takes over me. And I’m learning to do that. I’m healing, and you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are doing to move on from your disappointment. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Anxiety

 54. RAPE AND ANXIETY 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end, so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

After abuse and rape, the survivor can be left to battle many negative thoughts. Many are based around the same emotion. That is anxiety. I know, because I have anxiety too.

Along with the brutal gang rapes at work, and the sex slavery with the man I refer to as Alex, I became extremely anxious. I was anxious about the clothes I wore, what I ate (and when), I was even anxious about being around dogs. I was anxious in case I was late, I was anxious in case I was too early. If there was a decision to make, I was anxious.

For me, anxiety is like sitting on a burning fence. On one side, you have vicious crocodiles. On the other voracious sharks. No matter which side you jump to, you may not survive. There is one thing that you know for sure though. You cannot stay sitting on that burning fence. You must decide.

My anxiety is making that decision. You see, those big vicious crocodiles, are actually nothing but a litter of playful puppies. And those voracious sharks? Little bouncy woolly lambs. So why did I see those other creatures? That is the trick of anxiety. Every decision seems to have an unwarranted number of negative consequences, when in actuality everything is fine. But I, with my anxiety, can’t see it. 

My anxiety has stopped me from many things. Special family moments that I won’t get back. Because I couldn’t see past what I thought was the volatile storm instead of the rainbows and sunshine that was really there.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the decision to make what you think will work out for good in the end of a slimy dark tunnel, isn’t the anxiety playing tricks on you. Sometimes there is no positive outcome. In which case, the anxiety is made worse.

However, living with anxiety isn’t the end. I can’t still have a positive experience of the world. It just means that at times my life will be more of a roller coaster ride than plain sailing on calm seas. Sometimes the decisions I make beat the anxiety. Those are my good days. Sometimes the anxiety wins, my bad days.

So there is hope. My good days are becoming more than my bad days. The anxiety no longer holds me paralysed, as it once did. I can dance in the sunshine. And I am learning to take shelter in the storms. And that is because I’m healing.

What about you? Does your anxiety keep you paralysed because of the storm it tells you there is? You don’t have to stay that way. Sometimes you just have to take a big deep breath, and a leap of faith. Slowly you will find that those leaps of faith get easier to take. Being in the present changes things for the better. You are healing, too.

This time the gem of positivity is a Japanese phrase:

Ichigo ichie 

Generally, it means “treasure every moment, for it will never recur”. That is what my life with anxiety is teaching me. That all those lost moments won’t come back, so I’m learning to take that leap of faith and live with my anxiety too. And that is the choice I’ve made. I’ve chosen to heal. Don’t you want to make that choice too?

Thank you for joining me in this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are choosing to do to win against your anxiety. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby