Rape and Running Scared

 62. RAPE AND RUNNING SCARED

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to take a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Moving house is one of the top most stressful things a person can do. So what if you use moving homes as a way of protecting yourself? This is me.

After my cruel abuse from the man I call Alex, and the multiple traumatic gang rapes at  work, I moved to a new town. This was to try to distance myself from those people who were intending to continue their brutal sexual attacks. I thought I would feel better about life and feel safe to live elsewhere without always looking over my shoulder.

It didn’t work. So I moved again. Another 15 times, including three different towns. I was unable to feel safe. I always felt hyper vigilant, fearful of the next assault on my battered body and fragile mind.

But wait a minute. Was I really keeping myself safe? Or was I trapped in the clutches of all those perpetrators?

I have now come to the realisation that running scared is not working for me, in the way I intended. All it has really done is isolate myself from the wider community and heightened my anxiety So all the fun groups I’d like to join, and people I’d like to befriend, I have in essence stopped myself from being able to do.

You see, most of my perpetrators probably no longer remember I even exist. In fact, I happen to know that some are actually dead. Why am I still punishing myself by moving all the time when they have forgotten?

By moving around so much, I have given those predators power over me. And that is what I thought I was running away from. Their influence over me has had me constantly moving, never settling long enough to put down roots and build up a community of friends who can empathise with my life and situation. Never an opportunity to heal.

Now, I have moved for what I hope will be the last time. Whether or not I feel safe, I actually am safe. Safe to put down roots. Safe to live my life. Dr H has helped me to realise this fact. And it’s that fact that matters.

And what about you? Do you keep moving house in the hope to make yourself feel safe? You don’t need to. You are taking that feeling with you. It won’t be until you take your power back from your perpetrators, you will find that you are already safe. That will show you are healing.

This time the gem is an affirmation:

Feelings are not facts

This has taken me a long time to learn. The fact is I am no longer in the mind-games place where those perpetrators are. And now that I have realised the truth of those facts, I am in a better place to heal from those feelings that have trapped me into endless moves. And heal I am — and you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on your opinion of the above affirmation. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Fathers

 61. RAPE AND FATHERS

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Fathers, or Dads, can play important roles in the lives of their children. But what if you didn’t know that male acquaintance was actually your father? This is what happened to me.

I was raised by a man who is married to my Mum. He happens to be my biological father as well. And yet I did not recognise, or even realise, that he was legitimately related to me.

The family friend who raped me repeatedly from three years of age, always got me to call him “Daddy”. And this same man, introduced me to another man, I called “Dad”. I incorrectly believed this man to be my biological father. However, “Dad” was another paediafile. Even when we moved to a new area, he found me, and continued to penetrate me, claiming it was love.

This false “Dad” was also the first person to get me pregnant, when I was thirteen years old. It wasn’t until I was in therapy with Dr H, that I realised I had been pregnant, and that I’d had a backyard abortion to “fix” the “problem”

When I was sixteen years old I discovered the truth about who this “Dad”perpetrator really was. He was not related to me. I was dumbfounded and distressed.

This realisation has not made things any easier as I have continued to grow. I still pine for the paediafile who groomed me. Even after all these years, and knowing he was a fraud, my mind still tricks me into believing that he was and is my Dad.

My real father and I, at this late time in both our lives, are now trying to forge a more positive relationship with each other. There is much for us to work through. I still feel so much undeserved anger towards him. He is still bewildered by me, my thoughts and feelings.

What about you? Do you have a relationship of conflict and stress with your biological father? It isn’t easy to forge a new relationship with your father at any age. However it can be done. That’s when you know that you, like me, are on the road to healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote from an unknown source:

“Real fatherhood means love and commitment and sacrifice and a willingness to share responsibility and not walking away from one’s children”.

This is now what I am learning. My real father, despite everything, hasn’t walked away. Even though I was unable to recognise him as my Dad, he willingly made the commitment to share in the raising of me. And it is this realisation that tells me I’m healing.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on your definition of fatherhood. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and My Family

 60. RAPE AND MY FAMILY 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite to join me on a short walk in my journey to heal from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

In both childhood sexual abuse and adult rape, the boundaries within the survivor’s family can become blurred or distorted. This is true with my family.

I was sexually abused, which included the loss of my virginity at age three. There were a few reasons why I never spoke up. Both were to do with my Mummy leaving me, or punishing me for being “bad”. These threats were not just made by the paediafilic family friend. The threats were compounded by my siblings.

Growing up, I was unable to cope with my seesaw emotions due to ongoing sexual abuse. Both my brother and sister merely labeled me as an attention seeker. It ruined any sort of positive feelings I might have had for both siblings.

The sexual abuse also interfered with whatever positive relationship I might have had with my father. My Uncle had said that all daddies did this sexual abuse if they loved their little girls. This worsened all the relationships with my family.

Because of this alienation from my father and siblings, I became increasingly attached to my mother. She became everything to me. So no matter what, I didn’t want her to learn about my “badness” with the paediafile ring. It distorted the boundary of attachment I had with my mother. In actual fact, it made that boundary nonexistent to me.

Even now, the relationships I have with my parents and siblings are problematic. This is despite them all knowing about my lifelong abuse. In fact one sister went so far as to tell me that she doesn’t care what I have been through. It had a more damaging effect on what relationship I had been trying to build with her.

It’s hard on a sexual trauma survivor to have healthy relationships within their family. Sometimes the relationship goes the opposite way to the one I have. In fact, there can be an overwhelming protectiveness brought forth within the whole family. 

For me and my relationships with my family, I have had to make a tough decision. I either make healing my goal, or work at placating my family. In this instance, I’m choosing to heal. My desire is that as I heal, I hope to build a healthy relationship with each family member, particularly my siblings.

What are the relationships life within your family? Are they healthy and strong? Or are the lines blurred and distorted? Are you being alienated or overprotected. As hard as it is, to truly heal you need to stop and ask yourself, “ Are my family helping me heal, or hindering it?” That doesn’t mean to walk away from your family entirely. It simply means that you are just as important as anyone else in your family. You deserve the right to heal.

This time the gem of positivity is an affirmation:

I am releasing judgement of my family.

This affirmation is actually quite freeing. To heal, I need to free myself from any of the judgments that I may have about my family. It also means releasing myself of any judgements my family may have placed on me. Then, as I heal I can form new and positive relationships — including with my family.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on who in your family you have a positive relationship with. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Food

 59. RAPE AND FOOD 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

The abuse from sexual trauma affects many relationships in the life of the survivor. One such relationship is the one I have with food.

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with food for most of my life. I was sexually assaulted as a small child. This abuse continued as I was growing up. However, that doesn’t make this  relationship any easier.

This trauma has given me the belief that food is either good or bad. If I’ve done something well or achieved a goal, I reward myself with food; the sweeter and fattier the better. In the same way if I’ve been “bad”, not achieved a goal or had a heated argument with someone, I punish myself. I tend to either not eat at all, or I eat anything and everything. Food became a weapon.

This love and hate of food plays havoc with not only my weight, but my mental, emotional, and physical self. Physically my weight has fluctuated between anorexic to morbidly obese. However, my state of mental and emotional health has suffered continuously.

Mentally, there is anxiety, depression, and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), just to mention a few of my diagnoses. Emotionally I normally feel numb. As I’m healing however, I’m starting to connect with my emotions. This means one minute I may be euphoric, the next in tears.

Even so, there is hope.You see as I’m healing, this love-hate with food is starting to become one of health and nourishment. I am learning that food is not the enemy. I don’t have to use food as a punishment. I haven’t actually done anything to be punished for.

I have been taking on the blame and punishment that belongs to the perpetrators. These  issues are not mine to use against myself. Yet that is what I have always done. Blamed myself for the actions of others, of which I had no control. Now I’m fighting back to normalise the relationship with food.

Are you using food as a weapon against yourself? Food is nourishment for your body and mind. It helps you cope with the healing from your perpetrators actions. 

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Lalah Delia:

“Self-care is how you take your power back. Nourish yourself in a way that helps you blossom.”

And this is true. By nourishing my soul with food, instead of punishing it, I’m taking that all important power back from the perpetrators of my sexual trauma. Then I can blossom and heal. And you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what food you like to nourish your body with. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.