Rape and Shame

 65. RAPE AND SHAME

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Shame is an emotion that I know only too well. I have been ashamed of myself for all of my remembered life. There are so very many things that make me feel ashamed. Let me tell you about some of the most common ones.

I have been ashamed of my body for as long as I can recall. This is because of  drastically traumatising actions by a pedofile I’ll refer to as Mr Mark did when I was a toddler. He took not only my virginity, but the self confidence and self esteem that is so vital for emotional growth.

I became even more ashamed after my time working in a horrifically abusive and dangerous workplace conditions. I was unable to stop the physical violence and traumatic gang rapes my work colleagues perpetrated against me. I was ashamed of not being able to end their tortuous acts against me, or tell anyone about it.

During this time at that gruesome cruelty, I also became under the the sadistic control of the man I refer to as Alex. I couldn’t stop him from raping me. And I became even more ashamed at being unable to overcome his use of me as a sex slave.

I became so very ashamed every time I had a trauma induced orgasm. I was ashamed because each and every time these forced orgasms occurred, it felt like my physical body was screaming, “yes, yes, yes” while my inner self was sobbing, “no, no, no”. I was so ashamed that I lost my true self in all of this pain and horror.

After fleeing these toxic people, I tried to to rebuild my life and my broken sense of self. However, that grief of shame was flung into my face yet again. The whispering of people behind my back; the painful comments made to my face. That girls were just asking to be raped. They dressed too provocatively. They teased and led the men on. They said it was no wonder that women were getting raped.

And so I was engulfed in that powerful negative emotion, shame. Even the general public were saying being raped was the survivor’s fault. Oh that dreadful feeling of utter desperation. That was my socially enforced shame.

And so now I am in therapy. My thought was it would be a last ditch effort to free myself from the burden I carried. That was how I viewed my shame. And yet it was the best thing I could have done to heal.

With the right therapist, I am starting to free my psyche from the pain and bondage that has been my lifelong struggle with shame. I am coming to the realisation that this tragedy of shame I have been carrying, is not mine at all. The feeling of shame belongs with all those perpetrators. The shame also belongs to those members of society that put the fault at my door. Slowly but surely, I am now truly rebuilding myself, one piece at a time. That is because I am healing. And yes, you can too.

The gem this time is a quote attributed to Brene Brown:

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive”.

I am finding this to be true. My feelings of shame are slowly dying, as I share my past with my therapist. Dr H is showing me a different side to life. One free from the painfully traumatic shame. As I am finding, what I thought was my shame, is dying. Your erroneous belief of shame, won’t survive either.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on who in your life is helping your false sense of shame die too. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Confusion

 64. RAPE AND CONFUSION 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual violence. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy the gem of positivity.

The trauma of childhood sexual abuse, which continued into adulthood, has left me in great confusion. This confusion continues to be an issue for me to this very day. Let me tell you about some of my confusion.

I was sexually assaulted as a toddler. The main perpetrator, who I will refer to as Mr Mark, told me that it was “our little secret”. He then, after stealing my virginity, told me that “if you tell anyone your mummy will go away and you will break up your family”. As a small child, I was at an extremely impressionable age. I believed what Mr Mark said.

This affected my development as I grew. I was reluctant to speak out about anything at all. I still believed that I must not say my thoughts and feelings, which I bottled up inside me.

I was confused. Do I speak about anything at all? The confusion made school difficult. When called upon by teachers for answers, I was shy and fearful of the consequences of me speaking.

In adulthood, my confusion stepped up further during the time I was under the manipulative power of the man I refer to as Alex. He was successful in controlling me by saying everything he was doing to me was out of love. 

This caused complete confusion. How could this be love when he was physically assaulting me and selling my body as a sex slave? So I began to believe that this was indeed love.

Do you see how I could be so confused? From the traumatic abuse from both Mr Mark and Alex, I came to the conclusion that it was bad to speak up; that pain meant love.

Yet now, in therapy, I am being taught a different way of life. It is actually good to speak, especially when evil things happen. Love does not necessarily mean pain — certainly not physical nor sexual pain anyway.

All these social rules, from Mr Mark, Alex, and in therapy, has my brain in shambles. Who do I believe? The negative I have grown believing, or the positive I am being taught now in therapy?

As you can see, I have very good reason to be so confused. Yet slowly but surely the fog is starting to clear. The confusion is fading. Thanks to the help of people like Dr H, Dr Q, and Johanna, I’m coming around to believe a new narrative. I am healing.

What about you? Are you in a state of confusion from your life and perpetrators? You too can have the mixed up fog in your life clear as well. That’s because, just like me, you can heal.

The gem this time is a quote attributed to Robert Frost:

“The best way out is always through”.

This is what I am slowly coming to realise about my confusion. I can’t clear the fog by staying still. But if I keep plodding on, one step at a time, my fog of confusion will clear. I will be able to hope for a future I didn’t think I would ever have. It’s a hope you can have too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you hope for in your life. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Mind Games

 63. RAPE AND MIND GAMES

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

One of the factors that makes it so hard for me to heal, is the mind games perpetrators have used on me. Every time the man I refer to as Alex assaulted me, he said it was out of love that I made him do it. If I only wouldn’t talk back. If I would just cook better food. If I would just not shower on my own. If I would just work harder as a sex slave and earn him more money.

However Alex hasn’t been the only one to use mind games, falsely getting me to believe that I was always the one in the wrong. I was actually groomed by pedofiles into believing I was the one at fault, which started at two years of age.

The main perpetrator , Simon, from the pedofile ring of men I was exposed to from that age, also played cruel mind games on my fragile mental health. I was tricked to believe it was okay to play his vile, evil games because it would prove to my mummy that I really was a “good and big girl”.

Simon compounded this tragedy, after he took my virginity at age three. I  was threatened that if I ever told anyone what he’d done, my mummy would be taken away. It would be my fault that my family would be torn apart. 

Because of these mind game lies, I have gone through my life to date brainwashed by what all those  abusers have told me. Increasingly year by year that it was that it was my job to keep my family safe and together. If something bad happened, it was my fault. No matter how small the issue, I had failed in my life’s duty.

Even today, the effects of the mind games continue traumatised me to the point of believing in any given situation that I am the one in the wrong. I apologise for anything and everything. Even recently another perpetrator, Mark, has sown the seed of further doubt in my already brittle and broken psyche. That an apology from me doesn’t mean anything, because I say “sorry” so much.

With the help from people like Dr H, I am starting to break free from the powerful hold of those mind games, which have traumatically shaped my life in every way. I’m starting to say less frequently that I’m sorry for things I haven’t done wrong. Slowly I am coming to the realization that I am not responsible for everything bad that happens to my family. That’s because I’m healing.

And what about you? Are you trapped in the cruel grips of the mind games perpetrators have used on you? It’s hard work to break those heinous bonds of the seeds those perpetrators have planted in your mind and life. However, freeing yourself from those evil shackles is possible. And that means you are healing, too.

This time, the gem is a quote from Curtis Tyrone Jones:

“Some people are weapons that will put you out of your mind, unless you put THEM out of mind”.

This is what I’m learning. To truly heal, I need to push my perpetrators and their mind games out of my head. To no longer give those traumatic words from cruel people, the luxury of space in my mind. I won’t lie, it’s hard. But I’m stronger, and I’m going to heal. And you can to.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are winning over your perpetrator’s mind games. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Running Scared

 62. RAPE AND RUNNING SCARED

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to take a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Moving house is one of the top most stressful things a person can do. So what if you use moving homes as a way of protecting yourself? This is me.

After my cruel abuse from the man I call Alex, and the multiple traumatic gang rapes at  work, I moved to a new town. This was to try to distance myself from those people who were intending to continue their brutal sexual attacks. I thought I would feel better about life and feel safe to live elsewhere without always looking over my shoulder.

It didn’t work. So I moved again. Another 15 times, including three different towns. I was unable to feel safe. I always felt hyper vigilant, fearful of the next assault on my battered body and fragile mind.

But wait a minute. Was I really keeping myself safe? Or was I trapped in the clutches of all those perpetrators?

I have now come to the realisation that running scared is not working for me, in the way I intended. All it has really done is isolate myself from the wider community and heightened my anxiety So all the fun groups I’d like to join, and people I’d like to befriend, I have in essence stopped myself from being able to do.

You see, most of my perpetrators probably no longer remember I even exist. In fact, I happen to know that some are actually dead. Why am I still punishing myself by moving all the time when they have forgotten?

By moving around so much, I have given those predators power over me. And that is what I thought I was running away from. Their influence over me has had me constantly moving, never settling long enough to put down roots and build up a community of friends who can empathise with my life and situation. Never an opportunity to heal.

Now, I have moved for what I hope will be the last time. Whether or not I feel safe, I actually am safe. Safe to put down roots. Safe to live my life. Dr H has helped me to realise this fact. And it’s that fact that matters.

And what about you? Do you keep moving house in the hope to make yourself feel safe? You don’t need to. You are taking that feeling with you. It won’t be until you take your power back from your perpetrators, you will find that you are already safe. That will show you are healing.

This time the gem is an affirmation:

Feelings are not facts

This has taken me a long time to learn. The fact is I am no longer in the mind-games place where those perpetrators are. And now that I have realised the truth of those facts, I am in a better place to heal from those feelings that have trapped me into endless moves. And heal I am — and you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on your opinion of the above affirmation. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.