Life After Rape: Part Two

 70. LIFE AFTER RAPE: PART TWO

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me on a short walk through my journey of healing from the trauma of sexual violence. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

This time I am going to continue to let you see what my life is like now, after rape. A changed life, but a life nonetheless. I’m particularly talking about the changes in my life after my sexual imprisonment by the man I refer to as Alex.

Money is a huge problem for me now. Alex refused to let me handle money at all. I wasn’t even allowed to carry my own bank card. If he found any money on me, I received such a beating, I would be left whimpering on the floor. Battered, bruised and bleeding, I would beg for mercy. 

So I learned not to be caught. If I got any cash, I had to spend it straight away. It didn’t matter what I bought, because Alex never seemed to notice. Just so long as I didn’t have any money on me, I was fine. I even took to taking money out of his wallet while Alex slept, before heading off to work.

These trauma driven habits continue to this very day. I still feel like I have to spend all the money I have. If I have money on my credit card, it must be spent. Online shopping is where I fall down the most. The overwhelming trauma voice in my head, tells me that if the money is there I’ll get beaten.

Then there’s laxatives. Back then, I felt so dirty from the unceasing painful and devastating rapes, I had to get clean. And that meant being clean on the inside as well. So now, even though I’m free physically of that toxic situation, mentally I still have that contaminated mindset of needing cleanliness.

So I still take excessive quantities of laxatives. I must admit I’m down to ten or less laxative tablets in the one go, but it’s still for the same reason. I must be totally clean, inside and out. I have, in recent years been hospitalised for laxative overdoses. The last time was a mere 50 tablets, but it was enough to unsettle my heart from the sudden electrolyte imbalance. That hasn’t stopped me from trying to get clean though. I just don’t take that many tablets in one go.

Next is orderly preoccupations. Everything has to be in even numbers. Buying things in twos used to be enough, but the more I feel unsafe, the number has increased. At the moment, I’ve been able to hold at the number four, although I am very tempted lately to go up to six.

And we come to invisibility. I don’t want to be seen. It’s not enough to just stay inside my home to make me feel better. Even in my own home, the smaller I can make myself, the better. Because if I can’t be seen, I won’t be hurt. That is the thinking that drives this, and all the other issues that I have.

Do these sound at all familiar to you? Are you trying to make the fear of past rape go away by alternative methods? Or are you holding on to old ways that you learned under a tyrannical system fuelled by evil and cruel people? Neither you nor I have to. Because you and I are worth more than existing in fear. We deserve to live, without the fears of the past. We deserve a better life — we are survivors. And we can heal.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Michele Rosenthal:

“Trauma creates change you don’t choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose.”

This is only too true. I have been traumatically changed. I did not choose what happened to me to make that change. And yet, despite this, I can choose to change myself for the better. I can choose to heal, and I am. How about joining me? We can heal together.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are choosing to heal. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

 

Life After Rape: Part One

 69. LIFE AFTER RAPE: PART ONE

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk through my journey of healing from the trauma of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

Rape. The word itself can conjure a whole train of thoughts and emotions to different people. But what does it mean for the survivor on a day to day basis? I obviously cannot speak for anyone else, so I thought I’d give you a look into the daily fight I have myself.

One thought I have constantly, is that of being filthy and dirty. Just have a bath or a  shower, you might well say. I do. At first it was constantly, because I felt so contaminated. The hottest water I could stand, and the relentless scrubbing of my whole body (breasts, anus, and vagina included) with stainless steel wool until I bled. Now, I’ve gone the other way. I struggle to be naked at all for showering. 

After rape I feel compelled to sleep with my pants off, but fully naked, no. I unfortunately have even developed the anomaly of answering the front door to strangers in nothing but a bra. I just feel like I’ve already been raped by every man in the world. So it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing (or not wearing) when anyone sees me.

It’s not uncommon for me to display what are called “obsessive compulsive” post-rape cleanliness urges. Like washing my hands for five minutes each at least ten times a day. Or taking all the clean dishes out of the cupboard and washing them each day, to make sure the kitchen stays clean. Or walking in certain patterns on the sidewalk to stay safe.

Leaving my home is stressful. I hate it, absolutely detest it. At first, it was because I feared my attackers might see me and continue their disgusting behaviour of sexually horrifying assaults on me. Then I became scared by association that any man would see me and I worried about being raped by any man, not just previous perpetrators.

Now I sit in my chair, in a corner of my room and just plain hide. I’m trying to hide from the world in its entirety, not just men. I’m keeping myself safe from all harm. Or at least that’s what I think I’m doing. However, there is another key point about this trauma response.

I sit (or stand) in corners and against walls. I hate to think that people might be able to be behind me. It positively scares me. I automatically think that if people are behind me, they will attack me either physically and/or sexually. And I really don’t think that I can cope with any more of those tortuous crimes against me and my body.

The front door. At first I kept the door religiously locked. And I never opened the door, even for deliveries. The deliveries were simply dropped at the door, a knock on the door, then I wait long enough for the person to go away. Then I started to leave it open for a little, to let some fresh air in. And now? I can’t even be bothered to shut the door, let alone lock it. I just think that if someone wants to hurt me in any way, they’re going to. Nothing I do is going to stop them. So why not make it easier — and no property damage.

And then there’s light. I can’t stand being in the dark. I feel like there’s always someone waiting for me in the dark. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, and every single sense goes into high alert. Even after the light has been turned on in a dark room, it still takes a few minutes for that “danger, danger” feeling to settle back down. 

I even have to sleep with the light on. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I need to be able to see everything around me straight away. I need to know if someone is in the room with me the instant my eyes open. I’m too afraid to fall asleep in the dark, too.

What about you? Do any of these things sound familiar to you? All of these scenarios are common in society. You may have some. You may have all. Maybe you have even more than this. One thing is sure. Rape changes the survivor. And that’s exactly what you and I are. We’re not victims, because we are still alive. And that’s what make us survivors. Ours lives are changed, yes. But it’s still a life. And while there’s life, there’s hope. That hope is we can all heal.

This time the gem of positivity is attributed to none other than Anne Frank:

“Where there’s hope, there’s life. It fills us with fresh courage and makes us strong again.”

And that’s just it. With our life comes the hope of healing. It takes courage on our part to heal. But as we do, we will find that our healing actually makes us stronger. And that makes healing worth our life. Don’t you agree?

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what gives you the hope to heal. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Confused Healing

 68. RAPE AND CONFUSED HEALING 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me on a short walk through my journey of healing from the trauma of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

As I heal, I am finding that the past is blurring with the present. I’ve been told that this confusion by the subconscious is quite normal. So my dreams confuse traumatic memories which involved cruel and toxic perpetrators, but inserts the safe people in my present. The following is one such confusion I have. It takes out the perpetrators (Alex and Dr X) and swaps them for my safe therapists (Dr H and Dr Q).

The dream lately is the same, ever since being on the bed in a normal general practitioner’s visit for a normal everyday appointment. I am being dragged into the room. Sometimes it’s the man I refer to as Alex, sometimes it’s the man I had believed was my Dad. Then Dr H is there, in the place of Alex. He tells me to undress, which I do without thinking it odd. Once naked, I get onto the bed, and he helps me to get comfortable. Then I look down and instead of Dr X, Dr Q is there, wearing a gown and mask. Dr H is standing beside me and he tells me it must be done and just breathe; it will all be over soon.

Dr H is on my left side so he holds my left hand with your right. Dr Q tells me to put my legs apart so he can do his job. I start to protest, and try to get up. But Dr H leans down and puts his right forearm on my chest to hold me down. He tells me to just relax and it won’t hurt so much. But I am kicking out at Dr Q to stop him getting to me. So Dr H catches my left leg with his left arm and pull it towards my chest, bent at the knee. I can’t breathe properly when he does this, so I have to stop fighting.

I start crying. I’m looking into Dr H’s face pleading for him to not let Dr Q touch me. But Dr H just tells me that everything is okay, to breathe and relax, and it will all be over soon. The I look down, and Dr Q has the dilator in his left hand. I can feel him putting his left hand on my upper thigh, after swapping the tool from left to right hand.

I can’t breathe properly as I feel the cold metal entering me. I start to scream, and say I want to keep the babies this time. The pain of the dilator has me forgetting to kick out any more. The tears are running freely down my cheeks, but Dr H just smooths left hand across my forehead, telling me to shush and I’m being so good and brave and it’s nearly done. 

I can feel the dull scraping of my uterus, then Dr Q stands back and says it’s all done, and I’ll be feeling back to normal in no time. I can’t breathe properly, seeing that the front of his scrubs are covered in blood, the same blood I can feel oozing out of me. Dr H just holds me as I continue to sob, until I’m just sniffling and hiccuping. I am so tired, and I know I lost the fight, so I finally just turn my head away from them and sleep. 

This is a nightmare where my subconscious has confused the past with the present. It mixes an abominably traumatic event from the past, and but brings in people who are helping me to heal in the here and now. However, as odd as this confusion in the dream is, it shows that I am actually processing the appalling situation depicted here. And this processing shows just one thing. I’m healing.

What about you? Is your subconscious confusing events from the past with the people helping you to heal now? It hurts. It makes things scary. It can make it harder to trust the people helping you. I know. I go through all those thoughts too. But as you work through this confused mix, you will realise something. You, too, are healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Linda Hogan:

“Some people see scars, and it is the wounding they remember. To me, they are proof of the fact that there is healing”.

This is all too true. I can relive these events in my mind and confuse the people in them, and remember the event only. However I’m taking them for what they are. Signs that my lifetime of traumas are starting to heal. Yes, scars will remain. But most of all the wounds that made those scars will show that healing is possible. It is already taking place. 

Thank you for joining me on this short walk through my journey of healing. Please feel empowered to leave a comment on how your scars are showing your healing. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Betrayal

 67. RAPE AND BETRAYAL 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from the trauma of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Betrayal is “the act of violating trust or confidence, typically within a relationship, organisation, or society”.  This occurs when someone close to you is acting in direct opposition to your actual well-being or (in a romantic relationship) shared expectations. Betrayal itself is a whole body trauma. Let me tell you about some of the betrayal in my life thus far.

Back when I was under the cruel control of the man I refer to as Alex, I felt many moments of betrayal. The very first rape was betrayal. From the outset I was clear in that I wasn’t looking for, and certainly not wanting, a sexual relationship in any way.

Yet a mere two weeks later, he crawled into my bed, while I was asleep, and repeatedly raped me. It was the ultimate betrayal to me. It did indeed violate any trust I had for a man who could turn and perform such heinous brutality. I no longer held any confidence in the words of this malicious perpetrator.

I was justified in my conviction that Alex had betrayed me. Because after another two  weeks from those unbelievably traumatic crimes of rape, he started to sell my broken body as a sex slave. This was to earn him money for his illicit drugs and excessive alcohol consumption.

When I finally got myself free from Alex’s evil ways, I was then betrayed by society. A society that was saying rape was the fault of the individual betrayed. Society to some degree still claims, that the vicious and horrifying act of this tragedy is the raped person’s fault.

Even to this very day, I find that I am being betrayed by people I had trusted for emotional support. These people continue my traumatic fear and mistrust. Just as Alex did, they are perpetuating a cycle of carer abuse. These are people who are buying into, and indeed spreading, the lies that the raped deserve being locked away from the rest of the community. That these survivors of degradation are a danger to the community as a whole.

These are just some of the examples I wish to share with you here. These people who are betraying you, are in fact violating you. In my case, my sense of trust was shattered. My confidence in believing what people say to my face had gone. 

And yet, there is hope. It is possible to find people who respect your fractured and fragile psyche. And not just respect you, but work with you as you are wherever on your journey you happen to be. I have started with just one person, Dr H. And slowly I will be able to find other people that can be trusted, and not violate me in any way. That’s because I’m healing.

And what about you? Is your trust eroding, and confidence undermined? I encourage you to find just one person. Test for yourself their trustworthiness. And when you have that one person, you can let your trust blossom to include other people of safety. That’s when you know your on your own path to heal.

The gem I have chosen this time is an apt affirmation:

I am stronger than the betrayal I experienced, and I will rise above it.

This is an affirmation that I need to keep reminding myself of. I am indeed stronger than the perpetrators of betrayal in my life. I can, and will, rise above the damage incurred. That’s because I can, and am, healing. And you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are rising above your betrayal. It just might be something that helps someone else to heal. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.