48. RAPE AND A POSITIVE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER
Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to take a short walk with me through my journey of healing from both sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.
The following is actually the result of an exercise Dr H set me. He asked me to try and write how I would like a positive sexual encounter to unfold. This was, and is, my ideal:
I imagined that it is early evening. The sun is going down, leaving a long twilight. He is average height, with short straight dark brown hair, with a part curling to the right. He’s not fat, but he’s not thin and wiry either. He has a lovely smile and is clean shaven, with no hint of a five o’clock shadow. To me he is quite attractive, and I wonder what he’s doing with me. He is wearing blue jeans with a black belt and a white t-shirt; I’m in loose black shorts and a green striped cami top - no bra. We have been close friends for almost a year, and have both agreed that it’s time to move forward to the next stage in our relationship. I’m worried about not being able to sexually please him, and I can see he’s concerned about hurting me, which is making him hesitant.
We started by having a cup of coffee together at my place, so we could just talk and relax some of our nerves. I only have a single bed, but it’s what I’m most comfortable with. He is trying to do everything he can for me to feel comfortable and safe, which is why it’s my place. We have relaxed enough to be able to start kissing, slowly and hesitantly at first , but then with more passion. Our tongues are touching and I am totally relaxed and in the moment. His right hand starts to explore my left breast. At first I tense, but as I enjoy his caresses more, I start to get wet.
When he starts to push up my top, I push his hand away and stand up. He looks uncertain, as if he’s not sure if he’s done something wrong. But slowly and shyly I smile at him and take his hand, and lead him into the bedroom and onto the bed. He’s a little bit tense at the change of venue, but is encouraged when I start to stroke his face and kiss again. As the kisses become deeper and more intense, he starts to explore my body again, and this time I don’t push him away. It isn’t long before I let him take my top off, so he can kiss and suck his way down and around my breasts. He notices when I gasp and works on those spots the most, but in a loving teasing way to draw out my pleasure.
When he moves back to my mouth, I get the confidence to take his shirt off, and run my hands down his back. I can feel how pleased he is, and as he moves his mouth and tongue over the side of my neck, around my face with fairy-like touches, and to my breasts again. I can feel myself becoming very wet, and I want nothing more than to make love to this wonderfully gentle man.
I worry briefly about seeming too forward, but then I caress my way from his back to the front of his jeans. The belt is obviously an old one, because the leather is quite soft and pliable, making it easy to undo. I don’t draw it out, but continue on to the front of the jeans. I can feel his erection becoming harder and I slowly lower his jeans, being careful not to hurt him. I’m a little surprised that he’s not wearing undies, but it makes it easier for me in not having to remove them.
He’s not so fortunate. After he gets up to completely remove his pants, I wonder whether I should remove my pants for him. I decide against it, wanting to enjoy the erotic pleasure of letting him do it for me. He doesn’t disappoint. He comes back to the bed and to me. I’m lying on my back, and enjoy seeing his aroused naked body. He lies down on his left side, with his head lower than mine. As aroused and contented as I am, I can feel myself tensing as the big moment draws closer. He feels it too, and asks me if I’m okay. I say yes, but start to move a little uneasily. Sensing my fear, he starts to concentrate his kisses to my mouth, until it is quite obvious to both of us that I’m ready to go forward.
His right hand starts to explore my body again, and this time it moves down to the top of my shorts. I’m glad they only have an elastic waistband, because I love the soft tickling feeling that his fingers leave upon the skin of my stomach. He lays his hand on my waistband for a brief moment, before moving slowly but steadily under my shorts and between my legs. I give a nervous giggle at the look of surprise on his face, when he discovers just how wet I am. “I think you’re ready”, he says softly, and I can’t help but agree.
He gets up, so that he is kneeling at my hip, to give him better range of movement. Slowly and sensuously, he starts to kiss and lick his way from my face down my neck, spending enough time to make sure I’m relaxed at each stage. I sigh and give shivers of intense pleasure as he moves his mouth down the middle of my belly, where he stops teasingly at my belly button. Slowly he licks inside my navel, being careful to keep eye contact as he does. I think it one of the most erotic of moves, and I tell him so. He smiles, confident now that I’m ready for him to remove my shorts and undies. As he does so, he makes a little joke about how wet the crotch of my undies are. I give another nervous giggle, unsure again if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He leaves me in no doubt that it’s a very good thing.
Not wanting to scare me, and giving me space to say stop if I want to, he lies back down beside me and we go back to kissing each other, almost as if we’re trying to eat each other. But the moment is still sensual and very arousing, not that either of us needs any help in that department. His left hand strokes my forehead and the front of my hair and his right hand creeps it’s tickling way back down my stomach and between my legs again. I don’t want to crush his had, so I move my legs a little apart to allow him to freely explore my genitals. His hand is soft, without any calluses or rough bits. Ever so gently and softly, his thumb starts to stroke my clitoris, and I shiver time and again in delight. I want to reciprocate the pleasure he is giving me, by slowly using my left hand to explore his almost foreign body. I never had the chance to do this before on any man, so my movements are a bit clumsy at first. But he moves and positions himself so that I can tell I’m doing the right things without him having to tell me so.
It is as I am using my hand stimulate his beautifully hard and erect penis, that my first orgasm comes. I hurt him slightly as I cum, by clutching his penis a little too tightly, but he’s more interested in my pleasure and relaxation than his own, which I think is very sweet and generous. I tell him I’m sorry for hurting him, and he gives a little chuckle. “Just so long as you’re enjoying things, I don’t mind. But maybe next time, you might want to let my cock go first.” We both laugh about that, and the tension I feel just falls away. I tell him that I’m ready, if he’d like to enter me. Hell, my vagina’s been aching for him for at least ten minutes. But I didn’t want to say so and spoil the moment. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he lies on top of me. For a moment I feel trapped and panic, but then, as the good touches and caressing continues, I realise with more surety and confidence that I’m safe and this man won’t hurt me.
My whole body is tingling with desire. It’s like little electric shocks everywhere our skin touches, and I can feel my desire becoming white hot. I reposition my legs to make things easier and more comfortable for him, since he’s doing all the hard work. Well, I think so, anyway. As we start kissing again, deeply and passionately as before, he manoeuvres himself so that he is between my legs. I can feel his erection poking into the top of my left thigh. I feel myself tensing at the sensation. He feels me tense too. Slowly he gives my body sensual caresses; no one place in particular, just a general easing of the moment. I become more relaxed again and, as a sign that I am willing and wanting to continue, I run my hands slowly up and down his back. While doing this, every so often I give his butt cheeks a gentle squeeze as encouragement.
We have agreed at the outset to keep eye contact on the initial entry of his penis into my vagina, so that we are better able to gauge whether or not things are going well. I’m not confident in being able to express myself clearly verbally in the moment. He is very understanding, as he has been through the whole development of our relationship. We both know that it’s time, and my body couldn’t possibly be more ready. The bottom sheet is already wet in places from my lubricating body fluids. The ache to have him inside me, is starting to become a tangible physical pain of longing. Delicately, he places the head of his penis in my vagina. He leaves it there for a moment, to ensure my comfort. He asks me if I want to continue, and I whisper, “yes please”.
Although I’m afraid of the traumatic pain that has happened in past sexual abuse I find he has slipped inside me with very little trouble. We stay like that, kissing and touching, before we agree that things are going well and we can continue. Slowly and gently at first, his penis moves in and out. When he’s certain that I’m comfortable and very in the moment, he starts to move faster. It’s not long before I orgasm again. My genitals are positively slick with mucus secretions. I take it to be a good sign, and so does he. As the friction of his penis moving in my vagina builds to another crescendo, I tell him that he feels great inside me. I tell him I don’t want him to stop. He tells me, that he’s going to orgasm soon too. I tell him, almost pleadingly, “Just a bit more. Just there. Oh fuck me. Fuck me harder, I’m cumming again!” “So am I,” he pants. Both our bodies are bathed in sweat, so I’m pretty sure we’re getting mutual pleasure and excitement out of the encounter.
Suddenly, we’re both yelling over each other, “I’m cumming, I’m cumming.” Then I feel it. The wonderful warm feeling of him ejaculating inside me. My final orgasm is an absolute explosion. My thighs pulse and shake, and I can feel the strong powerful waves of contractions in my vagina and lower gut. At the same time, I start to urinate, seeming to be able to not control my lower half. He collapses from his efforts, but is still considerate enough to fall partly sideways, so as not to trap me with his body. We talk for a little longer, still kissing and loving the moment of shared passion. Then we each slowly fall asleep, cuddling in each other’s arms.
What about you? What do you consider to be your ideal sexual encounter? Please feel empowered to leave a comment on the sort of situation you’d like as a positive sexual experience.
This time my gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Mae West:
“Sex is emotion in motion”.
And that truly is what true consensual sex is. It’s more than just the act. Sex is an engagement of emotions as well. Slowly but surely, I am learning that this truly is what positive sexual experiences are. The further I go in my healing, the more I believe this to be the case. And you will too.
Thank you for joining me on this walk in my journey to heal. And until next time, just breathe and believe.
With love and care, Ruby
