Rape and Resentment

 52. RAPE AND RESENTMENT 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you may enjoy my gem of positivity.

After childhood abuse and rape as an adult, I have been trying to battle through many negative emotions. At this stage in my healing, resentment is one of the strongest emotions I feel.

For me, it’s a confusing emotion. I feel it most strongly when I think about my time with the man I refer to as Alex. When he forced his way into living in my home, I resented the intrusion of my personal space. It seems such a little thing, considering what he perpetrated next. However, it felt big then, and I still resent it now.

Later, as Alex’s horrendous enslavement and violation of my body and mind spiralled out of control, I resented the way in which he used and abused me. And yet, in my tortured state, if I wanted to be intimate with Alex, he would refuse.

I resented the way he refused to love me the way a woman deserves to be loved. I resented his cruel use and abuse of my body and mind. I resented him even living in my house. I harboured a lot of resentment towards Alex. And in many ways I still do.

I have resentment for the way my coworkers cruelly and sadistically gang raped me and tortured my already abused body. They’re constant attacks even twisted my mind into thinking that these were normal occurrences in the workplace. Yet even with my warped thinking, I resented not being able to just get on with the work I was meant to be doing.

With trauma  memories of my childhood molestation returning, my instant reaction now to resent those adult perpetrators. I resent those men (and women) still, for their vile and brutal acts on my little innocent self..

And what about now? I resent my “nearest and dearest” family for not being understanding and forgiving of my automatic trauma fear responses. The trauma induced reactions are not a deliberate act of defiance, or refusal to “act normally”. They are subconscious and automatic reactions, not of my full control.

The good news is, that as I slowly heal, my resentment is lessening. Just a little bit better each and every day. You see, my resentment of all these people I have talked about, isn’t doing anything to them, or changing what was, and is, happening now. All my feelings of resentment are eating me up.

To truly heal, I need to learn to deal with all my resentment, no matter how justified I feel it is. I’m needing to let go of all my bitterness and hurt. I don’t want to be stuck in the past. Although it is so very hard work, I’m slowly working on it.

And what about you? Are you stuck in the misery of your resentment? You don’t have to stay that way. Little by little, piece by piece, your resentment will get less. And that’s when you know, just like me, you are healing.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote that is attributed to Saint Augustine:

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

In my journey to heal, I’m finding this fact to be so very true. It’s me that was getting hurt by my resentment, not any of the people I resent. It’s taken me a long time to realise the truth in the quote. So I’m choosing to do something positive with all my resentment. I’m choosing to heal. Don’t you want to make that choice too?

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are letting go of your resentment. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Self Doubt

 51. RAPE AND SELF DOUBT

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

After a trauma such as bullying or rape, there are so many emotions that are brought to the front. There is one emotion in particular that takes hold of the survivor. That emotion is self doubt.

In my school days when I was bullied, I was always left asking myself, “Have I done something wrong? Maybe I should have…. If I do this, what will happen ?” And later on as a young adult being bullied and sexually harassed by my coworkers, I asked myself the same questions. 

As a result, I have been left with an almost unconscious feeling of self doubt. I am forever second guessing each and every decision that I make when they are large, such as where to go on vacation and how much to pack. But it’s also the teeny tiny things, like will I ring my parents today, what shoes to wear, even what I should spread on my toast.

Such self doubt leaves me feeling wobbly and unstable. I’m not really sure I can put  this feeling into an image. It’s a battle each and every day, so much I am left by bedtime feeling physically and mentally exhausted.

What makes my self doubt worse these days is the constant criticism I get from my “nearest and dearest”. Their responses, such as anger or frustration, only make me doubt myself and my decisions even more. “Why do you have to pack and repack the things you’re taking with us on holiday?” Or, “Why is it taking you so long to make some toast?”

It is these such insidious questions that have me doubting myself so much that I just say things like, “I don’t want breakfast/lunch anyway”. Even to the point that I don’t go on vacations anymore. It’s just not worth the self doubt that comes with the exhaustive indecision, and ridicule from my family.

Now that I have people like Dr H, Dr Q and some new supporters (Gulliver and Johanna), I am slowly starting to become more confident about the decisions that I make. Because right from the start, they have allowed me the space to make my decisions in my own time. And that has been a crucial factor in my battle with self doubt.

It started with being faced with small decisions, such as where I would like to sit in therapy. When faced with bigger decisions, I can now talk about the positives and negatives of any given decision. If I need to, I even write them down to help me see exactly what the potential outcomes might be. This is a positive step in the right direction for overcoming my self doubt. It means I’m healing.

What about you? Are you fighting indecision and self doubt? Does your self doubt cause you to give up on even enjoyable things because you don’t know what decision to make? You don’t need to stay that way. Find supportive people who allow you to make your decisions in your own time. Talk about the pros and cons. Write them down if you need to. Slowly and surely, like me, you will gain confidence in your ability to make your own decisions. That means, just as I am, you are healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Caroline Ghosn:

“You are bigger than your self doubt. Remind yourself of that each and every day.”

Right now, for me that is a difficult concept to accept. But each and every day I am learning that I am bigger and stronger that all my self doubt. I am winning the battle; I am healing. Don’t you want to heal too?

Thank you for joining me in this journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are doing to beat your self doubt. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Therapy Animals

 50. RAPE AND THERAPY ANIMALS 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me for a walk through my journey of healing from sexual violence. Don’t forget to stay to the end in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Therapy animals can really help in the recovery process after sexual abuse and sexual assault. They provide a safe space for relearning how to love and trust again. They can also help you relearn that the world can be a safe place too

This time I thought I would talk about my choice in therapy animals. This topic should be fairly easy and straightforward. However if you’re aware of my love for animals, you’ll appreciate just how hard it is. So I’m going to approach this in my own ever unique way. You might think the animal to be a dog or a cat, however I see that as being too narrow a field.

In an ideal world, my choice of animal would be a cow. In particular, a Guernsey (dairy breed). They have such lovely affectionate personalities, and the gold-and-white patterning is a lovely change from the normal black-and-white Friesian, although if I couldn’t get a Guernsey, the Friesian would be a very close runner-up. The cow is my favourite animal. 

I know cats are popular but I’m allergic to them. I like Manchester Terrier dogs. They’re a smooth-coated, black-and-tan breed. I also am used to terriers, although I also love  German Shepherds, Rottweilers, and working Border Collies. I’ve really only had terriers, so I’m used to the little quirks of nature that come with that general dog type.

Next, I’ll deal with the birds. If I were to have just one, it would be an Australorp bantam rooster. I would keep him as an indoor pet, so the crowing shouldn’t bother anyone He wouldn’t be heavier than 1.5 kilos. The other bantam breed I would consider are the Japanese Bantam.

The other pet I’d like is a lovely fox. They’re actually quite cute and very affectionate when kept as pets. In the UK, Canada, and America, it is actually legal to have foxes as pets, whereas in Australia they are a pest.

And what about you? Do you have a therapy animal currently? Maybe you may not be able to keep a therapy animal in your circumstances. You can still enjoy writing out what your therapy animal (or animals) might be. Even just thinking about your choice of therapy animal can help. Why not give it a go?

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Dr Anthony Calabro:

“They ask for attention, and when someone responds, they give love and security and warmth in return, no strings attached”.

And that is just what I, and you, need after the trauma of sexual violation. We need to learn that it is safe to love, and it will not lead to further sexual trauma. That is what healing is all about.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk through my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what your ideal therapy animal is. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Flashbacks

 49. RAPE AND FLASHBACKS 

Hello and welcome back to my blog, Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a walk through my journey of healing from sexual violence. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

After sexual abuse and rape, flashbacks are a debilitating part of the aftermath from this abuse. The following forced abortion is just one of the many flashbacks that distress me daily. There is a particularly disturbing element. It mixes abuse events from the traumatic past with safe healthcare people from my present. The person referred to as “you” is Dr H.

The flashback lately is the same, ever since being on the bed in the treatment room. I am being dragged into the room by the man I refer to as Alex.  Then you are there, and the others are gone. You tell me to undress, because you’re going to give me a full massage on my back. Once naked, I get onto the bed, and you help me to get comfortable. But then I look down and Dr Q is there, wearing a gown and mask. You are standing beside me and you tell me it must be done and just breathe; it will all be over soon.

You are on my left side so you hold my left hand with your right. Dr Q tells me to put my legs apart so he can do his job. I start to protest, and try to get up. But you lean down and put your right forearm on my chest to hold me down. You tell me to just relax and it won’t hurt so much. But I am kicking out at Dr Q to stop him getting to me. So you catch my left leg with your left arm and pull it towards my chest, bent at the knee. I can’t breathe properly when you do this, so I have to stop fighting.

I start crying. I’m looking into your face pleading for you to not let Dr Q touch me. But you just tell me that everything is okay, to breathe and relax, and it will all be over soon. The I look down, and Dr Q has the dilator in his left hand. I can feel him putting his left hand on my upper thigh, after swapping the tool from left to right hand.

I can’t breathe properly as I feel the cold metal entering me. I start to scream, and say I want to keep the babies this time. The pain of the dilator has me forgetting to kick out any more. The tears are running freely down my cheeks, but you just smooth your left hand across my forehead, telling me to shush and I’m being so good and brave and it’s nearly done. I can feel the dull scraping of my uterus, then Dr Q stands back and says it’s all done, and I’ll be feeling back to normal in no time. But I can’t breathe properly, seeing that the front of his scrubs are covered in blood, the same blood I can feel oozing out of me. You just hold me as I continue to sob, until I’m just sniffling and hiccuping. I am so tired, and I know I lost the fight, so I finally just turn my head away from you and sleep. 

The occurrence in this flashback is real. However Dr Q and Dr H, were not present at the actual event. It is my mind reliving the tragedy of this trauma, but with people who are in my present. To be clear, when the events in this flashback occurred, I didn’t even know Dr H and Dr Q. They are not the real perpetrators. 

Flashbacks are soul-destroying in their quality of reality. Which makes it so much harder to break free of the toxic cycle and torment of the abuse and trauma that was the  original experience. That doesn’t mean that healing can’t happen. It takes a long time, and much appropriate support. I have that much needed circle of caring people around me. It may take a long time, but you will get the supportive people you need and deserve too. 

Those nightmarish flashbacks can be beaten. You see, with my new support team helping me, those flashbacks have started to change already. They are becoming less frequent and less realistic. That is what healing is all about. And since it is happening for me, it will happen for you too.

This time the gem of positivity is a melding of two affirmations I found: 

This is a memory, not my current reality. The worst is already over.

This is key to remember in the reoccurring flashbacks which haunts both you and I. It is easier said than done, I know. Yet as I heal, I am able to take hold of this affirmation and make it my true reality. And as you heal, you can too.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what helps you through your flashbacks. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby