Rape and My Family

 60. RAPE AND MY FAMILY 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite to join me on a short walk in my journey to heal from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

In both childhood sexual abuse and adult rape, the boundaries within the survivor’s family can become blurred or distorted. This is true with my family.

I was sexually abused, which included the loss of my virginity at age three. There were a few reasons why I never spoke up. Both were to do with my Mummy leaving me, or punishing me for being “bad”. These threats were not just made by the paediafilic family friend. The threats were compounded by my siblings.

Growing up, I was unable to cope with my seesaw emotions due to ongoing sexual abuse. Both my brother and sister merely labeled me as an attention seeker. It ruined any sort of positive feelings I might have had for both siblings.

The sexual abuse also interfered with whatever positive relationship I might have had with my father. My Uncle had said that all daddies did this sexual abuse if they loved their little girls. This worsened all the relationships with my family.

Because of this alienation from my father and siblings, I became increasingly attached to my mother. She became everything to me. So no matter what, I didn’t want her to learn about my “badness” with the paediafile ring. It distorted the boundary of attachment I had with my mother. In actual fact, it made that boundary nonexistent to me.

Even now, the relationships I have with my parents and siblings are problematic. This is despite them all knowing about my lifelong abuse. In fact one sister went so far as to tell me that she doesn’t care what I have been through. It had a more damaging effect on what relationship I had been trying to build with her.

It’s hard on a sexual trauma survivor to have healthy relationships within their family. Sometimes the relationship goes the opposite way to the one I have. In fact, there can be an overwhelming protectiveness brought forth within the whole family. 

For me and my relationships with my family, I have had to make a tough decision. I either make healing my goal, or work at placating my family. In this instance, I’m choosing to heal. My desire is that as I heal, I hope to build a healthy relationship with each family member, particularly my siblings.

What are the relationships life within your family? Are they healthy and strong? Or are the lines blurred and distorted? Are you being alienated or overprotected. As hard as it is, to truly heal you need to stop and ask yourself, “ Are my family helping me heal, or hindering it?” That doesn’t mean to walk away from your family entirely. It simply means that you are just as important as anyone else in your family. You deserve the right to heal.

This time the gem of positivity is an affirmation:

I am releasing judgement of my family.

This affirmation is actually quite freeing. To heal, I need to free myself from any of the judgments that I may have about my family. It also means releasing myself of any judgements my family may have placed on me. Then, as I heal I can form new and positive relationships — including with my family.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on who in your family you have a positive relationship with. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Food

 59. RAPE AND FOOD 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

The abuse from sexual trauma affects many relationships in the life of the survivor. One such relationship is the one I have with food.

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with food for most of my life. I was sexually assaulted as a small child. This abuse continued as I was growing up. However, that doesn’t make this  relationship any easier.

This trauma has given me the belief that food is either good or bad. If I’ve done something well or achieved a goal, I reward myself with food; the sweeter and fattier the better. In the same way if I’ve been “bad”, not achieved a goal or had a heated argument with someone, I punish myself. I tend to either not eat at all, or I eat anything and everything. Food became a weapon.

This love and hate of food plays havoc with not only my weight, but my mental, emotional, and physical self. Physically my weight has fluctuated between anorexic to morbidly obese. However, my state of mental and emotional health has suffered continuously.

Mentally, there is anxiety, depression, and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), just to mention a few of my diagnoses. Emotionally I normally feel numb. As I’m healing however, I’m starting to connect with my emotions. This means one minute I may be euphoric, the next in tears.

Even so, there is hope.You see as I’m healing, this love-hate with food is starting to become one of health and nourishment. I am learning that food is not the enemy. I don’t have to use food as a punishment. I haven’t actually done anything to be punished for.

I have been taking on the blame and punishment that belongs to the perpetrators. These  issues are not mine to use against myself. Yet that is what I have always done. Blamed myself for the actions of others, of which I had no control. Now I’m fighting back to normalise the relationship with food.

Are you using food as a weapon against yourself? Food is nourishment for your body and mind. It helps you cope with the healing from your perpetrators actions. 

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Lalah Delia:

“Self-care is how you take your power back. Nourish yourself in a way that helps you blossom.”

And this is true. By nourishing my soul with food, instead of punishing it, I’m taking that all important power back from the perpetrators of my sexual trauma. Then I can blossom and heal. And you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what food you like to nourish your body with. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.

Rape and Visualization: My Safe Place

 58. RAPE AND VISUALIZATION: MY SAFE PLACE

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

In therapy, the tool of visualization is often used as a grounding technique. It helps us  to unhook from flashbacks, and bring us back from utter terror. The visualization I’m talking about here is called my safe place, or sometimes, my happy place. Let me share with you the visualization of my own safe place.

When I need to calm myself down, I often go to “Donaldo” in my mind, which was a farm I once lived on. I visually escape from the abhorrent abuse from work, and the unspeakable cruelty of the man I refer to as Alex. Even now, I can still picture the farm so clearly. The sights, the sounds, and the smells of the place. Whenever a counsellor says to envision a safe place in my mind, I automatically go to “Donaldo”.

I usually go to the same late afternoon on “Donaldo”. I’ve just come back from the mile and a quarter (2 km) walk to the mailing drop off point for the four farms in the cluster. It is so beautiful. The grass is lovely and green. There is a light breeze winding its way through the leaves on the trees around the farm houses. Even in my visualization, I can hear the leaves swaying about. I can hear the cows being milked down the road.

The air smells so fresh and clean to me. I have my two bottle lambs with me. I stop to feed Scout, the farm dog. I can picture him still. I can hear the chickens in the background. 

In reality, Donaldo no longer exists as I still picture it in my mind. However, that doesn’t matter and that’s not the point of the exercise. For me, the image of that farm is not only clear, but safe too. So in a stressful situation, I can stop, and just visit with my safe place. I might only “stay” a few minutes, but it’s enough of a grounding. And when I “come back” from this happy place, it’s given me the chance to catch my breath and cope with the issue I’m facing.

Do you have a safe, or happy, place, too? If not a real experience, fantasies work just as well. The more you attempt this exercise, the closer you come to achieving this visualization technique’s goal. Then you, just like me, will be on your journey of healing.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Steven Bochco:

“Imagery is like music”.

I have found this to be the case. Having the visualization tool of my safe place, it now helps in the flow of my life, just like music would. Yes, there are ups and downs still in my life that I come up against. But my safe place gives me a chance to stop, take a breath, and then continue to dance with whatever the music of my life. And you can do that too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how your visualized safe place is helping you. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby

Rape and Withdrawal

 57. RAPE AND WITHDRAWAL 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

There have been a multiple of negative effects that my many rapes have left me with. One of the hardest for other people to understand is that of withdrawal. Because withdrawal can be both a help, and a hindrance. Let me explain.

I used to be an outdoors sort of person. I wouldn’t think twice about going out for a walk. Even at home, I was able to sit out in the “public” spaces in my house, not minding whoever saw me, and in fact being able to greet visitors at the door.

That all changed after my time at work, being viciously gang raped and other horrific brutalities. My time at work coincided with the monstrously illegal and abominable mistreatment from the man I refer to as Alex. His actions played an enormous role in my post traumatic life changes, too.

When I escaped from both situations, I was a completely different person. I was no longer happy to go outside of my home. I didn’t greet people anymore. I couldn’t look people in the face, simply out of fear of what I might see. Even when living with family, if there was a knock on the front door, I vanished into my bedroom. And into myself.

I withdrew into my own little world, where everything was safe. If I wasn’t seen by anyone, if no one heard me, I wouldn’t be hurt by anyone. I did my best to make myself invisible. I withdrew so much, I became mute and rarely left my bed, let alone my bedroom.

Do you see what happened? By withdrawing from the world, I actually trapped myself. I essentially put me in a prison. I was punishing me, for the heinous crimes that had been inflicted upon me. My withdrawal didn’t in fact affect my perpetrators. All that happened was that I showed the world just how much power these men still had over me. Despite my escaping, those men were still controlling me; in essence, winning.

The situation was one of allowing myself to become a victim in my own eyes. Then one day, after a counseling session with Dr H, he made a comment that had me stop and think. He said that the fact I had lived through all that pain and suffering from such utter gruesome and completely traumatic abuse, that made me a survivor.

But wait a minute. Was I really living? Unable to leave my bed and home? To me, my actions were those more inline with a victim, not a survivor. And so, I decided to change. I decided to prove to myself that I didn’t need to withdraw from the world. I had been punished enough. Now to show the world that I was a survivor, no longer the helpless victim.

I will tell you right now, it hasn’t been easy at all. I still have that initial instinct to withdraw and hide into myself, when new people and situations pop up. However, I am getting better at not withdrawing.

And what about you? Have you withdrawn from the world? It isn’t necessary. However, it won’t be easy to re-engage with your place in the world. You deserve better than the punishment of withdrawal. Because, just like me, you are a survivor.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Franz Kafka:

“You can withdraw from the suffering of this world….. but perhaps that withdrawal is the only suffering you might be able to avoid.”

And I have now found this quote to be so very true. I withdrew from the suffering I had been afflicted with. I made myself suffer further by my withdrawal. I let so many opportunities of happiness pass me by, compounding my pain. No more. I’m making a survivor’s choice of joining the world once more. Don’t you want to join me?

Thank you for taking this short walk with me in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment about what you are looking forward to doing by rejoining the world. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.