Power

 8. POWER

Hello and welcome. At this time, I invite you to take a short walk with me through my life as a survivor of abuse in general and sexual abuse in particular. Please stay to enjoy my gem of positivity at the end.

I was in Year 8 at high school, when my English teacher, Mr K, offered to mentor me. I love to write, and I really wanted to improve. So I was flattered that Mr K was willing to give me so much extra time and attention. Just for me.

However, things changed. His moods towards me became unpredictable, and I became afraid of him. But I wasn’t so scared that when he gave me detention at the end of one school day, I worried about staying back. To cut a long story short, Mr K raped me that afternoon. After that afternoon, he would regularly bring his older male students. They paid him to have sex with me. If I refused to comply, Mr K whipped the back of my thighs with his belt. No one knew because I very carefully hid the evidence and I never said a thing

He was a teacher. He was an adult. He had the power. And he used that power to hurt me both physically and mentally. I was never the same person after that afternoon. I developed obsessive compulsive disorder, I became highly anxious — especially around adult males, I became anorexic, I developed depression. All because this one person abused his power against me.

I was still just as naive when, six years later, I became the victim of workplace bullying. The men were all far bigger than me, they attacked as a group, and they had seniority over me. My own boss threatened me with the sack, if I didn’t take Alex in as a housemate. But Alex is a story for another time.

In all cases, these people had power. Physical power, sexual power, employment power, financial power. And in every case, these people not only had power over me, but they also abused that power. Abused it to the point that there were many times I thought I would die. They used their power to try and make me their victim.

For the longest time, I bought into the belief that I was their victim. I, in fact, let them keep their power over me. Because you see, while I hid away, while I gave up all the things I loved out of fear of all those men, I actually let them keep their power over me. I was, in fact, choosing to let them keep their power over my life.

Now, I am slowly regaining the control over my life. The power. It has taken me decades to finally make a stand. I’m claiming the power over my life back. It’s not easy. There have been many people along my journey, who have been helping me to reclaim my power. There have also, unfortunately, been some people along the way who kept me powerless. 

There are still times that I buy back into the powerless victim role. But they are getting less and less. Slowly but surely, I’ll get the power over my life back.

The gem this time is a quote, attributed to Susan Gale:

Sometimes you don’t realise your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness.

In my life as a sexual assault survivor, I have bought into the story that my perpetrators had all the power. That was my greatest weakness. Because they are all no longer in my life. But I’m finding that my greatest strength is in being the survivor, and not the victim any more.

What do you see as your greatest strength in your journey? Please feel free to leave a comment on how you are taking your power back. 

I thank you for walking this short while with me. I hope that it may have been of some benefit to you, no matter where you are in your journey. Until next time, just breathe and believe.