Rape and Self Doubt

 51. RAPE AND SELF DOUBT

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

After a trauma such as bullying or rape, there are so many emotions that are brought to the front. There is one emotion in particular that takes hold of the survivor. That emotion is self doubt.

In my school days when I was bullied, I was always left asking myself, “Have I done something wrong? Maybe I should have…. If I do this, what will happen ?” And later on as a young adult being bullied and sexually harassed by my coworkers, I asked myself the same questions. 

As a result, I have been left with an almost unconscious feeling of self doubt. I am forever second guessing each and every decision that I make when they are large, such as where to go on vacation and how much to pack. But it’s also the teeny tiny things, like will I ring my parents today, what shoes to wear, even what I should spread on my toast.

Such self doubt leaves me feeling wobbly and unstable. I’m not really sure I can put  this feeling into an image. It’s a battle each and every day, so much I am left by bedtime feeling physically and mentally exhausted.

What makes my self doubt worse these days is the constant criticism I get from my “nearest and dearest”. Their responses, such as anger or frustration, only make me doubt myself and my decisions even more. “Why do you have to pack and repack the things you’re taking with us on holiday?” Or, “Why is it taking you so long to make some toast?”

It is these such insidious questions that have me doubting myself so much that I just say things like, “I don’t want breakfast/lunch anyway”. Even to the point that I don’t go on vacations anymore. It’s just not worth the self doubt that comes with the exhaustive indecision, and ridicule from my family.

Now that I have people like Dr H, Dr Q and some new supporters (Gulliver and Johanna), I am slowly starting to become more confident about the decisions that I make. Because right from the start, they have allowed me the space to make my decisions in my own time. And that has been a crucial factor in my battle with self doubt.

It started with being faced with small decisions, such as where I would like to sit in therapy. When faced with bigger decisions, I can now talk about the positives and negatives of any given decision. If I need to, I even write them down to help me see exactly what the potential outcomes might be. This is a positive step in the right direction for overcoming my self doubt. It means I’m healing.

What about you? Are you fighting indecision and self doubt? Does your self doubt cause you to give up on even enjoyable things because you don’t know what decision to make? You don’t need to stay that way. Find supportive people who allow you to make your decisions in your own time. Talk about the pros and cons. Write them down if you need to. Slowly and surely, like me, you will gain confidence in your ability to make your own decisions. That means, just as I am, you are healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Caroline Ghosn:

“You are bigger than your self doubt. Remind yourself of that each and every day.”

Right now, for me that is a difficult concept to accept. But each and every day I am learning that I am bigger and stronger that all my self doubt. I am winning the battle; I am healing. Don’t you want to heal too?

Thank you for joining me in this journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are doing to beat your self doubt. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby