Rape and Resentment

 52. RAPE AND RESENTMENT 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you may enjoy my gem of positivity.

After childhood abuse and rape as an adult, I have been trying to battle through many negative emotions. At this stage in my healing, resentment is one of the strongest emotions I feel.

For me, it’s a confusing emotion. I feel it most strongly when I think about my time with the man I refer to as Alex. When he forced his way into living in my home, I resented the intrusion of my personal space. It seems such a little thing, considering what he perpetrated next. However, it felt big then, and I still resent it now.

Later, as Alex’s horrendous enslavement and violation of my body and mind spiralled out of control, I resented the way in which he used and abused me. And yet, in my tortured state, if I wanted to be intimate with Alex, he would refuse.

I resented the way he refused to love me the way a woman deserves to be loved. I resented his cruel use and abuse of my body and mind. I resented him even living in my house. I harboured a lot of resentment towards Alex. And in many ways I still do.

I have resentment for the way my coworkers cruelly and sadistically gang raped me and tortured my already abused body. They’re constant attacks even twisted my mind into thinking that these were normal occurrences in the workplace. Yet even with my warped thinking, I resented not being able to just get on with the work I was meant to be doing.

With trauma  memories of my childhood molestation returning, my instant reaction now to resent those adult perpetrators. I resent those men (and women) still, for their vile and brutal acts on my little innocent self..

And what about now? I resent my “nearest and dearest” family for not being understanding and forgiving of my automatic trauma fear responses. The trauma induced reactions are not a deliberate act of defiance, or refusal to “act normally”. They are subconscious and automatic reactions, not of my full control.

The good news is, that as I slowly heal, my resentment is lessening. Just a little bit better each and every day. You see, my resentment of all these people I have talked about, isn’t doing anything to them, or changing what was, and is, happening now. All my feelings of resentment are eating me up.

To truly heal, I need to learn to deal with all my resentment, no matter how justified I feel it is. I’m needing to let go of all my bitterness and hurt. I don’t want to be stuck in the past. Although it is so very hard work, I’m slowly working on it.

And what about you? Are you stuck in the misery of your resentment? You don’t have to stay that way. Little by little, piece by piece, your resentment will get less. And that’s when you know, just like me, you are healing.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote that is attributed to Saint Augustine:

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

In my journey to heal, I’m finding this fact to be so very true. It’s me that was getting hurt by my resentment, not any of the people I resent. It’s taken me a long time to realise the truth in the quote. So I’m choosing to do something positive with all my resentment. I’m choosing to heal. Don’t you want to make that choice too?

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are letting go of your resentment. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby