Rape and Confused Healing

 68. RAPE AND CONFUSED HEALING 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me on a short walk through my journey of healing from the trauma of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

As I heal, I am finding that the past is blurring with the present. I’ve been told that this confusion by the subconscious is quite normal. So my dreams confuse traumatic memories which involved cruel and toxic perpetrators, but inserts the safe people in my present. The following is one such confusion I have. It takes out the perpetrators (Alex and Dr X) and swaps them for my safe therapists (Dr H and Dr Q).

The dream lately is the same, ever since being on the bed in a normal general practitioner’s visit for a normal everyday appointment. I am being dragged into the room. Sometimes it’s the man I refer to as Alex, sometimes it’s the man I had believed was my Dad. Then Dr H is there, in the place of Alex. He tells me to undress, which I do without thinking it odd. Once naked, I get onto the bed, and he helps me to get comfortable. Then I look down and instead of Dr X, Dr Q is there, wearing a gown and mask. Dr H is standing beside me and he tells me it must be done and just breathe; it will all be over soon.

Dr H is on my left side so he holds my left hand with your right. Dr Q tells me to put my legs apart so he can do his job. I start to protest, and try to get up. But Dr H leans down and puts his right forearm on my chest to hold me down. He tells me to just relax and it won’t hurt so much. But I am kicking out at Dr Q to stop him getting to me. So Dr H catches my left leg with his left arm and pull it towards my chest, bent at the knee. I can’t breathe properly when he does this, so I have to stop fighting.

I start crying. I’m looking into Dr H’s face pleading for him to not let Dr Q touch me. But Dr H just tells me that everything is okay, to breathe and relax, and it will all be over soon. The I look down, and Dr Q has the dilator in his left hand. I can feel him putting his left hand on my upper thigh, after swapping the tool from left to right hand.

I can’t breathe properly as I feel the cold metal entering me. I start to scream, and say I want to keep the babies this time. The pain of the dilator has me forgetting to kick out any more. The tears are running freely down my cheeks, but Dr H just smooths left hand across my forehead, telling me to shush and I’m being so good and brave and it’s nearly done. 

I can feel the dull scraping of my uterus, then Dr Q stands back and says it’s all done, and I’ll be feeling back to normal in no time. I can’t breathe properly, seeing that the front of his scrubs are covered in blood, the same blood I can feel oozing out of me. Dr H just holds me as I continue to sob, until I’m just sniffling and hiccuping. I am so tired, and I know I lost the fight, so I finally just turn my head away from them and sleep. 

This is a nightmare where my subconscious has confused the past with the present. It mixes an abominably traumatic event from the past, and but brings in people who are helping me to heal in the here and now. However, as odd as this confusion in the dream is, it shows that I am actually processing the appalling situation depicted here. And this processing shows just one thing. I’m healing.

What about you? Is your subconscious confusing events from the past with the people helping you to heal now? It hurts. It makes things scary. It can make it harder to trust the people helping you. I know. I go through all those thoughts too. But as you work through this confused mix, you will realise something. You, too, are healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Linda Hogan:

“Some people see scars, and it is the wounding they remember. To me, they are proof of the fact that there is healing”.

This is all too true. I can relive these events in my mind and confuse the people in them, and remember the event only. However I’m taking them for what they are. Signs that my lifetime of traumas are starting to heal. Yes, scars will remain. But most of all the wounds that made those scars will show that healing is possible. It is already taking place. 

Thank you for joining me on this short walk through my journey of healing. Please feel empowered to leave a comment on how your scars are showing your healing. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.