Rape and Mind Games

 63. RAPE AND MIND GAMES

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

One of the factors that makes it so hard for me to heal, is the mind games perpetrators have used on me. Every time the man I refer to as Alex assaulted me, he said it was out of love that I made him do it. If I only wouldn’t talk back. If I would just cook better food. If I would just not shower on my own. If I would just work harder as a sex slave and earn him more money.

However Alex hasn’t been the only one to use mind games, falsely getting me to believe that I was always the one in the wrong. I was actually groomed by pedofiles into believing I was the one at fault, which started at two years of age.

The main perpetrator , Simon, from the pedofile ring of men I was exposed to from that age, also played cruel mind games on my fragile mental health. I was tricked to believe it was okay to play his vile, evil games because it would prove to my mummy that I really was a “good and big girl”.

Simon compounded this tragedy, after he took my virginity at age three. I  was threatened that if I ever told anyone what he’d done, my mummy would be taken away. It would be my fault that my family would be torn apart. 

Because of these mind game lies, I have gone through my life to date brainwashed by what all those  abusers have told me. Increasingly year by year that it was that it was my job to keep my family safe and together. If something bad happened, it was my fault. No matter how small the issue, I had failed in my life’s duty.

Even today, the effects of the mind games continue traumatised me to the point of believing in any given situation that I am the one in the wrong. I apologise for anything and everything. Even recently another perpetrator, Mark, has sown the seed of further doubt in my already brittle and broken psyche. That an apology from me doesn’t mean anything, because I say “sorry” so much.

With the help from people like Dr H, I am starting to break free from the powerful hold of those mind games, which have traumatically shaped my life in every way. I’m starting to say less frequently that I’m sorry for things I haven’t done wrong. Slowly I am coming to the realization that I am not responsible for everything bad that happens to my family. That’s because I’m healing.

And what about you? Are you trapped in the cruel grips of the mind games perpetrators have used on you? It’s hard work to break those heinous bonds of the seeds those perpetrators have planted in your mind and life. However, freeing yourself from those evil shackles is possible. And that means you are healing, too.

This time, the gem is a quote from Curtis Tyrone Jones:

“Some people are weapons that will put you out of your mind, unless you put THEM out of mind”.

This is what I’m learning. To truly heal, I need to push my perpetrators and their mind games out of my head. To no longer give those traumatic words from cruel people, the luxury of space in my mind. I won’t lie, it’s hard. But I’m stronger, and I’m going to heal. And you can to.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are winning over your perpetrator’s mind games. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.