Rape and Food

 59. RAPE AND FOOD 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

The abuse from sexual trauma affects many relationships in the life of the survivor. One such relationship is the one I have with food.

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with food for most of my life. I was sexually assaulted as a small child. This abuse continued as I was growing up. However, that doesn’t make this  relationship any easier.

This trauma has given me the belief that food is either good or bad. If I’ve done something well or achieved a goal, I reward myself with food; the sweeter and fattier the better. In the same way if I’ve been “bad”, not achieved a goal or had a heated argument with someone, I punish myself. I tend to either not eat at all, or I eat anything and everything. Food became a weapon.

This love and hate of food plays havoc with not only my weight, but my mental, emotional, and physical self. Physically my weight has fluctuated between anorexic to morbidly obese. However, my state of mental and emotional health has suffered continuously.

Mentally, there is anxiety, depression, and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), just to mention a few of my diagnoses. Emotionally I normally feel numb. As I’m healing however, I’m starting to connect with my emotions. This means one minute I may be euphoric, the next in tears.

Even so, there is hope.You see as I’m healing, this love-hate with food is starting to become one of health and nourishment. I am learning that food is not the enemy. I don’t have to use food as a punishment. I haven’t actually done anything to be punished for.

I have been taking on the blame and punishment that belongs to the perpetrators. These  issues are not mine to use against myself. Yet that is what I have always done. Blamed myself for the actions of others, of which I had no control. Now I’m fighting back to normalise the relationship with food.

Are you using food as a weapon against yourself? Food is nourishment for your body and mind. It helps you cope with the healing from your perpetrators actions. 

This time the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Lalah Delia:

“Self-care is how you take your power back. Nourish yourself in a way that helps you blossom.”

And this is true. By nourishing my soul with food, instead of punishing it, I’m taking that all important power back from the perpetrators of my sexual trauma. Then I can blossom and heal. And you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what food you like to nourish your body with. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.