Rape and Withdrawal

 57. RAPE AND WITHDRAWAL 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

There have been a multiple of negative effects that my many rapes have left me with. One of the hardest for other people to understand is that of withdrawal. Because withdrawal can be both a help, and a hindrance. Let me explain.

I used to be an outdoors sort of person. I wouldn’t think twice about going out for a walk. Even at home, I was able to sit out in the “public” spaces in my house, not minding whoever saw me, and in fact being able to greet visitors at the door.

That all changed after my time at work, being viciously gang raped and other horrific brutalities. My time at work coincided with the monstrously illegal and abominable mistreatment from the man I refer to as Alex. His actions played an enormous role in my post traumatic life changes, too.

When I escaped from both situations, I was a completely different person. I was no longer happy to go outside of my home. I didn’t greet people anymore. I couldn’t look people in the face, simply out of fear of what I might see. Even when living with family, if there was a knock on the front door, I vanished into my bedroom. And into myself.

I withdrew into my own little world, where everything was safe. If I wasn’t seen by anyone, if no one heard me, I wouldn’t be hurt by anyone. I did my best to make myself invisible. I withdrew so much, I became mute and rarely left my bed, let alone my bedroom.

Do you see what happened? By withdrawing from the world, I actually trapped myself. I essentially put me in a prison. I was punishing me, for the heinous crimes that had been inflicted upon me. My withdrawal didn’t in fact affect my perpetrators. All that happened was that I showed the world just how much power these men still had over me. Despite my escaping, those men were still controlling me; in essence, winning.

The situation was one of allowing myself to become a victim in my own eyes. Then one day, after a counseling session with Dr H, he made a comment that had me stop and think. He said that the fact I had lived through all that pain and suffering from such utter gruesome and completely traumatic abuse, that made me a survivor.

But wait a minute. Was I really living? Unable to leave my bed and home? To me, my actions were those more inline with a victim, not a survivor. And so, I decided to change. I decided to prove to myself that I didn’t need to withdraw from the world. I had been punished enough. Now to show the world that I was a survivor, no longer the helpless victim.

I will tell you right now, it hasn’t been easy at all. I still have that initial instinct to withdraw and hide into myself, when new people and situations pop up. However, I am getting better at not withdrawing.

And what about you? Have you withdrawn from the world? It isn’t necessary. However, it won’t be easy to re-engage with your place in the world. You deserve better than the punishment of withdrawal. Because, just like me, you are a survivor.

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Franz Kafka:

“You can withdraw from the suffering of this world….. but perhaps that withdrawal is the only suffering you might be able to avoid.”

And I have now found this quote to be so very true. I withdrew from the suffering I had been afflicted with. I made myself suffer further by my withdrawal. I let so many opportunities of happiness pass me by, compounding my pain. No more. I’m making a survivor’s choice of joining the world once more. Don’t you want to join me?

Thank you for taking this short walk with me in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment about what you are looking forward to doing by rejoining the world. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.