Rape and Muriel

 43. RAPE AND MURIEL 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to take a short walk with me in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Rape can result in unplanned pregnancy. You might feel a range of strong emotions. Horror, despair, resentment, and of course, anger. I know I did when I found out I was pregnant due to yet another traumatic brutal rape in the workplace. I had been hit on the back of the head when going down steps at work.

 

The blow knocked me unconscious. I came back to consciousness I  found my boss had undone my overalls, and was viciously raping me. I don’t know whether you would call it a positive or negative, but the result of that rape was my first pregnancy as an adult. But this time it was more than “just” a pregnancy. It was my daughter, Muriel.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Muriel, I felt like my body had let me down. That, in some way, my body was adding to the abusive attack already perpetrated against me. I even did everything I could physically do on my own to lose my baby.

But Muriel didn’t go away. If anything, she grew stronger and more resilient than most “normal” pregnancies. Until the man I refer to as Alex found out. He literally held my struggling body down, so a doctor could perform an abortion.

I could feel the doctor as he scraped Muriel off my uterus. But I had been pregnant for six months. So what started as an abortion, became a premature birth.

I remember the expletives from both the doctor and Alex. Muriel was born alive. I know. I saw her breathing. 

My dear little girl, Muriel Ashlynne, was born with slight dark hair. Her little face screwed up, as if to cry. But she never did cry. She breathed exactly six times. And she was gone.

The ultimate shame was I had tried to get rid of her by my own actions. And yet now she was gone, I still felt betrayed. I felt that my body had betrayed me in the first place, by conceiving little Muriel. Now, despite my inability to stop the brutal traumatic forced removal of her, I felt betrayed that my body couldn’t keep her.

Muriel would be in her twenties now, had she lived. Currently, I have a photograph of a “Muriel” rose by my bed. I see it when I go to sleep, and when I wake up again. And despite all the trauma, that photo makes me smile. It reminds me that Muriel was alive and real. Muriel was, and will always be, my little girl.

Have you had a similar experience? Have you fallen pregnant from a rape? Is that baby now lost to you? Do you carry the burdens of guilt and regret? There is something you can do to celebrate the life you lost, through no fault of your own. You can do what I’m doing. You can heal.

The gem I’ve chosen this time is a quote from an unknown source: 

“Life is a song — sing it. Life is a game — play it. Life is a challenge — meet it”.

That is what healing is all about. To face every challenge that life sends. And when that challenge comes as a special life lost to you, sing the beauty of the life that was. And when you, and I, can learn to do that, we will be on the path of healing.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk through my journey to heal. And thank you for joining me in the celebration of Muriel. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you do to celebrate a life lost. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby