Rape and Apathy

 42. RAPE AND APATHY 

Hello and welcome back to my blog, Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you may enjoy my gem of positivity.

Apathy has become a very common fixture in my life. It is a result of the heinously brutal and traumatically cruel treatment that I have been subjected to over the years. It is complete and utter involuntary indifference to everything — and everyone. I don’t really seem to be able to connect with anyone, not even my nearest and dearest. It’s when my most common reaction is to shrug my shoulders and say, “Whatever”. My apathy leaves me feeling isolated and alone. 

When someone around me has good and positive news to share, I pretend to be happy, or excited about what has made them so joyful. And yet, I feel nothing. No joy, no happiness, no excitement. It’s the same with bad news. I try to say all the right words of comfort to them. But I feel nothing really. Are you the same?

If I had to give my apathy a colour, it would be beige. Totally plain. Utterly bland. Completely lifeless. The beige even tends towards a greyish colour, it really is such a devoid nonentity. What colour is your apathy?

The picture that comes to mind, is that of a desolate wasteland. It’s like a broad acre crop field in the middle of summer, yet after harvest. There is barren nothingness as far as the eye can see. The only movement is when the wind kicks up a “dust devil” in the open expanse. It even sounds empty and hollow. What about you? What image comes to your mind when you think about your apathy?

Then there is the sound. Or rather lack of sound. Apathy for me is an emptiness. Totally dead. There may as well be no such thing as sound. The silence of my apathy is actually quite deafening. Strange but true. Nothing moves, not even rustling from the wind. What does your apathy sound like?

I know that my apathy is a result of my sexual trauma. But that doesn’t make it any easier for those around me to understand. If anything, in my case, it has lead to further trauma for me. They misunderstand and misinterpret my inability to empathise with them. I am thought to be cold, uncaring. At times I am even told that I come across as being selfish and totally self-centred. All because of my post traumatic apathy.

Being in therapy is helping me to start to reconnect with my deeper emotions. So while I still have indifference and apathy to a certain degree, I am slowly starting to feel more balanced. That in turn then means I am now starting to connect with the emotions of others, and share in their joyous moments. It also means I can be more understanding of their sorrows.

Apathy may be where you are now, but you don’t have to remain wallowing in nothingness. There is hope that you can reconnect with your emotions and feel again. It takes time. It requires patience. That is what healing is all about.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote that I believe sum up what I am saying. It is one that I don’t know who it’s attributed: 

“It is often when night looks darkest, it is often before the fever breaks that one senses the gathering momentum for change, when one feels that resurrection of hope in the midst of despair and apathy”.

And that is only too true. In the middle of my apathy, when I think I’ll never be able to share in the moments of triumphs and disappointments with others, there is the resurrection of the hope that one day I truly will. Because I am healing, and you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are healing from your apathy. It could be the help someone else needs in their journey to heal. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby