Rape and Identity

 44. RAPE AND IDENTITY 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you may enjoy my gem of positivity.

I have the trauma of losing my virginity at the age of three by a group of paedophiles. Bewildering, I was later raped by three school teachers, and then a horrendous work experience of being gang raped and physically abused on the job. Further I was forced to live with the man I call Alex. During this time he brutally beat me, horribly raped me, and traumatically used me as an enslaved sex worker to support his drugs and alcohol addictions.

Many people only see me as a victim of sexual violence. I’m “the rape victim”.  That is the identity that they have labeled on me. But, how do I see myself?

I’m not a “rape victim” in my eyes. There are underlying qualities that make me who I am. I’ve been told by one of my therapists that I have a wicked sense of humour, and I do. I even tell Dr H jokes during therapy sessions. It’s a great way to relax after a particularly difficult and painful session.

I have a passion caring for animals. In fact I’ve kept just about every species of domesticated animal there is as a pet. And yes, that does include sheep and cows, too. I love bottle feeding young lambs, and excited seeing them grow from birth through to having offspring of their own.

I love to write. I even enter writing competitions. My journals are overflowing with ideas, observations, and poems I write myself. It’s not unheard of for me to fill a 400-page notebook in just 6 weeks. I get twitchy and have a physical ache if I can’t write each day.

I love to sing, but usually only when I’m at home and all alone. I don’t have any voice training, as it were, I simply sing for myself and to myself. I find it very freeing. I don’t always hit the right notes, but even that makes me happy and laugh.

I’m also a bit artistic. I usually draw with just a black ink pen on white paper or even canvas. I keep a stack of colouring in projects, as a change from drawing. I’m also keen on diamond dot art painting. I don’t always make time to indulge in this creative identity, but when I do it’s always relaxing and I lose myself in the process.

I enjoy aqua aerobics. I can spend even 2 hours just in the pool, either jogging on the spot or doing “weightlifting”. It’s lovely while I’m in the pool, but gosh, I don’t half feel exhausted when I get out.

As you can see, these are all characteristics that make me the person I am. The inner me. And none of them have anything to do with whether or not I’ve been raped or sexually abused. They are what I see of as my identity, not the sexual traumas. But it has taken me years of therapy to understand that.

And what about you? How do you see yourself? Do you think of yourself in terms of you being a “victim”? You are not. You still have all the same lovable traits as you did before the sexual trauma. Your qualities are still there. Your sexual abuse and assault is not the whole of who you are. It will take time for you to shed that label, and start believing in that again. But when you do, you’ll be just like me. You will be on the journey of healing.

This time the gem of positivity is an affirmation:

I am not defined by the opinion of others.

This is a key part of healing. I am not defined by what those perpetrators did to me. I am not rape nor molestation. I still love humour. I am still care for animals. I am still creative. Those attributes have never left me. They were overshadowed for a time. The further I travel on my path of healing, the greater my attributes shine through the darkness. And yours will too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what different parts make up your identity. And until next time, just breathe and believe. 

With love and care, Ruby.