Accountability

 3. ACCOUNTABILITY 

Welcome to my story as a sexual assault survivor. I hope you get something out of this short walk with me. Read to the end to find my gem of positivity.

Today I’m going to talk about accountability. I’m going to share with you the gist of the contract I have with my trauma psychotherapist, Dr H. He’s been more than patient with me, but I think it’s time I kept to my end of the deal. My hope is if I see it in all its black-and-white glory, it will help to remind me.

1. I have agreed to only use medication according to my doctor’s instructions. Any over the counter medications will be taken according to the package directions.

2. I have agreed to not self harm or self pain inflict in any possible way. This is to cover anything that my devious mind can think of.

I actually agreed to the contract 10 September 2024. So Dr H is being more than reasonable in only now putting his foot down and requesting I honour my promise. To be totally fair, I agreed to the contract of my own free will, so I really do need to start keeping my word.

It’s not the first time I’ve made a contract with a therapist. My last one, Dr C, told me flat either I stop self harming or I stop seeing him. After that ultimatum, I was more scared of losing Dr C than I was of not self harming. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled. However each time I wanted to hurt myself in some way, the picture of Dr C would come into my head.

Now it’s Dr H’s face that leaps into my mind. I picture his look of hurt and disappointment every time the urge to hurt myself comes upon me. And believe me those urges do come. This is because self harm is actually addictive. And once addicted, those urges will push you to the edge.

Being accountable to someone, like my Dr H, takes work. Probably the hardest work I’ve ever had to do. However it is a critical part of my healing journey. Every time I give in to my harmful urges, it just re-triggers all the trauma. It’s as if I’m choosing to keep my mind and body in the past.

In your journey, are you accountable? Whether it be your own therapist, or someone else who you can really trust. It’s important that if you give your word, such as in a contract, you stick to it. It will never be easy, but each time you stay accountable, you’re getting stronger.

How do you stay accountable with your therapist? Don’t forget to leave your tips and hints in the comments. You may just help someone else.

And now for the gem I dangled for you. Here’s your payoff for reading this post.

Affirmation:  Every day I do the best I can.

And do you know what? If you’re doing the best you can, whatever your story, your best is enough. You can’t do better than that.

Well, that’s all from me for now. Thank you for walking with me this while. Until next time, just breathe and believe.