Courage

 4. COURAGE 

Welcome to my life as a sexual assault survivor. I hope you can stay and walk with me this short while. Don’t forget to read to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Today I’m going to talk about a moment of courage in my life. I was in a situation of domestic violence which originated from a threat from my boss at work. Alex was living in my house. He’d stolen all my money. He beat me. He used me as an unwilling sex worker, by keeping me locked in my own home, to pay for his worsening drug habit. He forced me to have several abortions, by holding me down for the doctor. To be blunt, I was in hell.

Then one day I finally snapped. It suddenly came to me that I had two choices. Either I stay and he’d kill me, or I end it and throw him out. The worst he could with the latter was kill me. I figured that I truly had nothing left to lose. But if I was going to die, I decided I’d rather do it by finally standing up for myself. 

I got the courage up to finally throw him out. I literally had to bodily fight him out of my house. The only positive to work in my favour was he was drunk and stoned. However he was tall and strong and about 75kg (165lb). That wouldn’t seem very big, you might say. But because of all the factors in my life, I was anorexic and weighed only 42kg (92lb).

So to actually bodily remove him from the house took some effort. But there was another factor in play as well. When we started to fight, he’d grabbed a knife. So I was pushing him out as well as trying to dodge the knife. 

For some reason, I ended up winning. I got him out of the house. But it was at a cost. At the last moment, he managed to stab me, up in the chest near my throat. To this day, decades later, I still carry the scar. Because I didn’t go to hospital. I was so indoctrinated by the rules Alex had forced on me that I phoned no one (using the phone was forbidden) and I couldn’t leave to go to hospital (I was also forbidden to leave the house without permission).

I spent that night on my lounge room floor, cuddled with my dog, trying to stop the bleeding. But I had done the courageous thing I’d done in my life up to then. It is also the most courageous thing I have ever done since. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. During the whole sordid time of my life, it was the only time I actually gave myself permission to cry. And that, to me, took the most courage of all.

Courage takes many forms. What one person sees as courageous may not seem so courageous to someone else. The point of view differs for everyone. Or they may think that someone is being weak if they are in a situation not of their choosing. But for that person, it is the most courageous thing that they can do. The point is, it differs for everyone.

And now the gem at the end. It is a quote that many attribute to Winston Churchill:

“If you’re going through hell, keep going”

That is the epitome of courage. No matter what, you keep on going, even when the odds are stacked against you. One foot in front of the other, just keep plodding on. That is what courage is all about.

Thank you for walking with me this short while. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you see courage. And until next time, just breathe and believe.