The Start

 2. THE START

Hello there, and welcome. At this time, I invite you to take a short walk with me, as I share my journey of healing with you. Don’t forget to stay to the end, in order to enjoy my gem of positivity. So let’s begin.

To me, despite the fact I experienced extensive childhood sexual abuse, the start was when I was 20 years old. I was in a relationship (not of my choosing), of domestic violence. It was with a man I will only refer to as Alex. It was at this time, the nightmares began. 

The nightmares were always the same. The same man every time. I have come to call these my “dark man” dreams, because mostly he is a shadowy figure. These dreams I find most distressing, because they continue even to this very day. Sometimes I am able to make out the features of the “dark man”. I have come to know the features so well and the place they are set, I have been able to describe in detail to people who have verified the identity of the “dark man” and the place where the dream is set.

Until the “dark man” nightmares, I had no recollection whatsoever of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. My mind had blocked it out, as a way of coping. However, along with those painful distressing memories, I lost all my good memories too. I have been reminded many times over the years many happy family moments. They have been told to me so many times. I can parrot them back when reminiscing with family about favourite family times.

Notice I say parrot. I have learned so well, I can even add the little details that have been added with each retelling. However, the memories are not mine. The simple reason being I have no childhood memories of my own. I will remember odd bits and pieces, here and there. But a whole complete recollection of my own, no.

I have been told that this is the result of the traumas I have lived through. Having said that, what memories I do have are all linked with animals. I have an overriding love of animals, so those memories are clear as a bell. Even to this day, if I can link a person to an animal or a happening involving animals, my mind says it’s a “safe” memory.

Isn’t it funny how our minds can work? The mind protects us if it can. In my case, it’s been to block memories from a painful time. But our minds can’t seem to be able to separate the good memories from the bad memories, so they all just get blocked. Well, at least that’s how it’s been explained to me.

Slowly, now, I’m getting my memory back. The good but also, unfortunately, all the bad. And it is bad. Horrible, heinous memories. Memories I wish I still didn’t remember. And, to me, it all started with a nightmare.

I now have a great psychotherapist, my Dr H. He has a lot of experience in the field of abuse. Dr H has told me that my experience of memory is quite common in survivors of abuse like this. That they may have absolutely no memory of any sort of abuse. And then all of a sudden, like me and that nightmare, it comes back. Sometimes in bits and pieces, sometimes in a rush. But it does come back.

Never be put off in healing by people who say you’re making up stories. Even for those who have clear recollections their whole life, people will doubt you. But you can heal. It will take time. And the journey to your healing will not be easy. In fact, for me, things are getting worse and the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far off. But there is a light. And that’s where my healing lies.

The gem today is a quote by Maya Angelou:

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

And that is just what I’m learning to do. I have had no control over the things that have happened to me. I have not even had control over the manner in which I have remembered so much of the abuse. But I can make the decision as to what I do with this knowledge. And I’m choosing to heal.

How are you healing in your journey? Don’t forget to leave a comment to share with others on their journey, wherever that place may be. It might just be what another person needs. Thank you for sharing this time with me. Until next time, just breathe and believe.