Rape and Disappointment

 55. RAPE AND DISAPPOINTMENT 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

There is a wide and varied range of emotions that a rape and abuse survivor may feel. One of my emotions is that of disappointment. There is disappointment in the perpetrators breaking my trust. I still feel that disappointment.

Most of the disappointment I feel, stems from my time as a sex slave for the man I refer to as Alex, and also from abuse at work (these two timeframes happened to coincide). The gang raping had already begun when Alex forced his way into my home and life. Yet it was from Alex my deepest disappointments started.

When Alex first raped me, I was not only stunned by this blatant betrayal of my trust. I was greatly disappointed by this heartbreaking act. I felt that I couldn’t trust my own judgment as to who was “safe” to be around. I was also very disappointed in Alex himself.

Alex had said he loved me. He had claimed to not be like all the other men in my life. Yet when it came to crunch time, he disappointed me by being just as untrustworthy. And that disappointment grew, each and every time he raped me. Imagine the overwhelming disappointment I felt when he imprisoned me in my own home, and sold my body for sex, to pay for his alcohol and illicit drugs.

My disappointment was so great that I felt utterly black in despair. Devoid of hope, light, and trust. But it wasn’t Alex I was mostly disappointed in, it was me. I felt disappointed that each and every time Alex said that the rapes and sex slavery acts wouldn’t happen again, I believed him. I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to stop Alex while being raped. If only I was stronger; if only I had fought back; if only I was worth loving.

Do you see how insidious my disappointment was? It was me I was hurting with my own disappointment. I was not putting it fairly and squarely where it belonged — with Alex. It was Alex who was the disappointment, not me at all.

The further I travel in my journey to heal I am learning to accept that my disappointment is not because of something that I did or didn’t do. I am learning to put the burden of disappointment that I had turned on myself, back on to the perpetrator. This is fair and just.

And what about you? Are you disappointed in yourself for what perpetrators have done? You don’t need to be. Yes, be disappointed in the perpetrators and their treacherous, abominable actions and behaviour. But no, not disappointed in yourself. I do understand that the concept is easier to say than do. However little by little, day by day, you will lose that destructive disappointment you are harbouring against yourself. That’s how you will know that, just like me, you are on the road to healing.

This time the gem of positivity is a quote from AJ Tracey:

“You can’t dwell on disappointment. You’ve got to take the positives and keep looking ahead.”

And that’s exactly it. If I dwell on the disappointments from my past, I fail to see the good things of now. I need to keep looking ahead, to move past my disappointment before it takes over me. And I’m learning to do that. I’m healing, and you can too.

Thank you for joining me on this short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what you are doing to move on from your disappointment. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby