Rape and First Consensual Orgasm: Part Two

 46. RAPE AND FIRST CONSENSUAL ORGASM: PART TWO 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Part one of consensual orgasm was to show you there is hope for sexual pleasure to occur after the violence of rape. This part two highlights some of the issues that can arise in the process:

After my foreplay orgasm, I felt a bit rejected because I wanted to try and give him as much pleasure as he had given me. But this wonderful man wouldn’t let me. He kept saying I wasn’t ready for penetration, but I felt like I’d been used. Yes, I’d been given pleasure, and I still felt happy. However, it felt wrong for me to have such pleasure and not be allowed to respond in kind. 

The reason I felt used stems from an underlying use and abuse. It now felt like my lover had gotten his way, simply by getting his hands “on the goods” as it were. It felt like he had just taken what he wanted, then dismissed me like a used condom. I understand that healing takes time, yet this limitation was just wrong in my thinking.

I remember asking him if I could play with his dick. He said that was only something for later in my healing, to minimise the risk of dissociation. So, rejection again.I felt I wasn’t good enough to give him any pleasure. 

In some ways I felt like a little kid, because this loving and caring man had to explain why I wasn’t ready to give him the pleasure I had been given. I felt like bursting into tears then. It was like he’d taken my orgasms and said that they weren’t worth his orgasming too. It actually physically hurt. Like I’d been punched in the gut. But I didn’t say anything about that. I didn’t want to lose the cared for love I felt I had shared with this loving man.

I tried to rub his leg near his groin, but he wouldn’t let me do that either. All he said was “I think that’s enough of that”. Then I felt dirty as well as rejected. So although I was left feeling physically euphoric, at the same time mentally I felt I had been used and abused. However the positive post orgasm feeling made me tired enough to sleep on and off until morning. It was good restful relaxing sleep. And the nightmares stayed away all night.

As you can see this week, there are mixed emotions when having consensual sexual contact for the first time, particularly when it’s after forced sexual trauma. Hopefully you have also noticed that consent works both ways. My lover refused his consent to sexual contact on him. As distressing as this has been, I need to respect my lover’s decision. This is truly caring for someone you love.

After past traumatic sexual abuse and sexual assault, it is  easy to forget that your sexual partner has the same consensual rights as you do and it can feel like rejection at the time. However as you heal, you will come to see the importance of consent on both sides. That is how you will know that you truly are healing. Aren’t you excited?

This time, the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to  the actor Vincent Rodriguez 3:

“Rejection doesn’t always mean I’m not good enough”.

I have come to learn this to be true. My lover was not rejecting me because I wasn’t good enough, even though that’s how I perceived it at the time. He was actually protecting me from further traumatic sexual harm, based on my current stage of healing. That’s the relationship I want to have. Don’t you want to heal into that sort of relationship? 

Thank you for joining me on this short walk with me in my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you view the word “rejection” . And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby.