Rape and Humiliation

 38. RAPE AND HUMILIATION 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to take a short walk with me in my journey of healing from sexual abuse and sexual assault. Don’t forget to stay to the end so that you might enjoy my gem of positivity.

I don’t think there is anyone who has never felt humiliated. After all, that is the aim of any person who tries to make themselves look and feel better than the person being humiliated. And just as there is a variation in the humiliating words/behaviours, there is a understanding on each person’s definition of humiliation.

In the job I used to work in, I was truly humiliated many times, and in many different ways. It wasn’t just the gang rapes, although they were bad enough. The rapes were a humiliation by violating my body, despite my pleas to stop. Unfortunately, though, the humiliation didn’t stop there.

My humiliation was in having these rapists act in ways that would  make even the most hardened defence lawyer vomit. These gang-raping “co-workers” would push me onto my knees and force my mouth open, but only after brutally sexually violating my body. They then each took a turn at putting their dicks in my mouth and urinating.

Every single time the urine hit the back of my throat, I would gag and cough. I would be unable to catch my breath. And what did these perpetrators do at my distress? They laughed. Every single one would roar with laughter. The humiliation was unbearable.

After being horrifically gang raped, I was then dragged to the rest room at work. Then watched as my “work mates”  scooped out handfuls of their own excrement. To then have them rub their faecal matter all over my body. And yes, I do literally mean every single bit of me. Why would these perpetrators do such a despicable thing? To hurt me mentally and emotionally so badly it was personally devastating.

It’s hard for people to understand the horrors and humiliation of having their body used and abused in non consensual sexual acts, if they haven’t been there themselves.  And for that, I am truly glad. I would never wish what I, and you, have been through on anyone. No woman, nor man for that matter, would I wish the horrific depraved acts of sexual violation. 

And how am I healing from such utter humiliation? Slowly. Oh, so slowly. As you will understand, the sexually sadistic humiliation has etched a permanent indentation on my body and soul. It is now so much harder to be able to truly trust what people say, and how they behave. It has even made therapy more difficult. I always wonder if my therapists, Dr H and Dr Q, have similar ulterior motives for what they are doing. 

But the further I get in my journey of healing, I find I am able to start  trusting again. Little by little, my trust is in being in therapy with my therapists. I’m trusting that they will not add to my pain of the humiliations I have already suffered. And I am even starting to believe that they never will.

And what about you? How are you healing from the painful traumatic humiliations that you have been through? Are you starting to trust again, or is that still a long way off from you yet? Notice that little word “yet”. You see, just as I am finding out for myself in my journey, it is possible to heal. Don’t get me wrong, you will never forget your humiliation. But even so, you can accept the past and heal.

This time I have chosen a quote from none other than Mahatma Gandhi:

“It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings”

And how true this is. There are people out there who will think themselves honored by the humiliation they bring onto others. They think it makes them better than the person they are humiliating. But to me, and as I heal, I’m finding more and more that I’m the honored one. I have the honour of saying, “yes I have been truly humiliated by other people, but I’m strong enough to survive and heal”. You can have that honor too.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me in my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on your understanding of the quote. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby