Rape and Health Checks

 39. RAPE AND HEALTH CHECKS 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. Here I invite you to walk alongside with me, as I share my journey to heal from sexual abuse and sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end, so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.

As a part of everyday life, it is normal to have health checkups to monitor your physical and mental wellbeing. But what if a doctor was part of your brutal, horrific abuse? What do you do then?

Traumatically, this happened to me. Whilst under the merciless control of the perpetrator I will refer to as Alex, I was forced to see a family physician many times. And when I say forced, I literally mean it; Alex would physically drag me in to this doctor’s surgery, then tape my mouth so I couldn’t scream.

This doctor did (off the record) health checkups for abusers like Alex, on women like me, and you. These were monthly health checks for pregnancy. And why might I be pregnant? From nothing more nor less than repeated brutalising traumatic rape from multiple men.

Every time, a pregnancy was detected, I would be tied to the doctor’s clinic room bed, a wad of dressing stuffed into my mouth, and an abortion performed right then and there. No anaesthetic, no painkillers at all. This traumatic fear made me avoid seeking medical treatment, even when I did need it.

Now what do you think? Would you think that fear of doctors understandable? Yes, I would, if I was hearing this account of such utter despicable “healthcare”. But despite this fear being a totally rational reaction, it can lead to complications. This fear instilled in me all those years ago, has made me pay a price. 

For example, it stopped me from getting the help I needed when I had gut-stabbing pains in my lower abdomen. Until I had to have a hysterectomy, my uterus reduced to a ball of scar tissue from the continual rapes and internal physical violations. Even now, it has stopped me from getting help.

Three months ago, my left nipple started to bleed. But I never mentioned a thing to anyone. That is, until Dr H noticed something was amiss in my behaviour. He insisted that I needed to see a physician about it. Even then, I left it another six weeks until the pain became too obvious to the people who care about me to notice.

Finally, despite my traumatic fear, I was taken to see a female doctor I found to be extremely sensitive and caring. She immediately prescribed a scan of both breasts. So within ten days, I had both a mammogram and ultrasound of my breasts. A week later, I was back to see the doctor. The mammogram indicated nothing, but the ultrasound was different. It had found a lump, or mass, in the left breast, 6 centimetres (2.5 inches) from the nipple.

After another test (fine needle biopsy), my breast has a deep throbbing pain. Sometimes the pain shoots into my left arm, and even down into my hand. I can only hope (and pray) that the results will be clear. All this pain and suffering because of that original physician.

And what about you? Do you put off routine health checks because of your brutalised past? I did, to my detriment. But with this current scare, I’ve had time to think.You see because of my traumatic past, I pushed my health needs away. Almost as if I didn’t deserve to enjoy good health. But it’s not true, for me — or you. Both you and I are deserving of enjoying good physical health, despite the pasts. We are just as worthy of appropriate treatment of our health needs as anyone else. Sometimes, you just have to find the doctor that suits you, who you feel you can trust. I think I finally have. And you will too.

This time, I have chosen an affirmation:

I listen to my body’s needs.

And that’s exactly what I’m now, belatedly, trying to do. My body’s needs are more than just food and water. I need to listen to my body when it tells me it needs medical help. Our body needs to be listened to when it hurts. Especially because of our past traumas, our body needs someone who will listen. And that starts with me listening first. You can listen to your own body’s needs, too.

Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what your body is telling you it needs. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby