Rape and Suicide

 40. RAPE AND SUICIDE 

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. Here I invite you to take a short walk with me in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end, in order to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Talking about suicide is always a touchy topic. For many, the subject is taboo. By even mentioning the word “suicide”, our society thinks it won’t happen. That by simply avoiding talking about the ultimate end of one person’s life, will mean suicide will never ever be tried.

To me, that is such foolish thinking. By hiding and tabooing even the very word suicide, it keeps things secretive, furtive. I know. I’ve tried several times to end my own life.

The utter desperation of my own situations in my life, have lead me to try two different methods, and even try the two together. Needless to say, they haven’t worked and I am still here. Please understand, I am not promoting the choice of suicide. However as a part of my journey, I need to talk about this part of my life. I don’t want to hide these parts of my life, just because the topic makes society cringe

Each time I have attempted to kill myself, I have been at such utter lows in my life. I tried while I was being brutally abused by the men at work, and by the man I refer to only as Alex. But I have also tried to commit suicide since leaving those situations. 

Post traumatically, there are nightmares, day terrors and flashbacks. So it seems as if you are experiencing the traumatising over again. It truly seems like you can never get away; I always feel that way at my worst.

It’s a lonely feeling, so utterly alone. When I have been in that headspace, it’s hard to even come up to breathe, let alone talk about how I feel with anyone. That is one of the problems I have when feeling suicidal. The feeling that if I talk about it, I will just drag my friends and family into the same abyss that I am in. And I don’t want to do that. I’d rather keep my misery and distress to myself than depress the people I care about.

When I get to the brink, I can’t see how my sudden death at my own hand will affect anyone else. I become blinkered, blinded almost, by my own despair. I honestly can’t see how my actions could, nor would, affect others. I love my caring community I have built around myself. Yet I can’t understand the difference my loss could possibly be to them. But when I process my feelings and emotions, I can then see that my loss would actually destroy the people around me. 

I am grateful for having Dr H in my life as my therapist. He is able to see when I struggle, and tell when I am keeping things back, and hiding my feelings.

I am being encouraged to speak more freely about my thoughts to the people around me every day. And slowly, but surely, I am able to talk about my black emotions. Surprisingly enough (well, surprising to me), it is helping. Though sometimes I do still go black. My emotions aren’t quite so all consuming. Don’t get me wrong, I do still struggle. But I’m also starting to do something far better. I’m starting to heal.

What about you? Are you struggling to cope with the pain and distress of your traumatic experiences? Find one person. One person who cares and understands the darkness you reach. They might not go through that dark themselves, but they can lend you a light when you reach yours. So that you can do what I’m doing. So you can heal, too.

The gem this time is an applicable saying I heard when I was in a mental health facility. Unfortunately I don’t know where it came from, but I’m grateful for the person who did:

If you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and light it yourself.

When I first heard this, I was insulted. How on earth could I light my own darkness?  The saying made me angry and feel bitter towards the person who was saying it. But you know what? It’s true. Because that is what healing means. Learning, eventually, to make your own light through your darkness. How about you give it a go?

Thank you for joining me for this walk in my journey of healing with me. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are making your own light. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby