76. SEXUAL INTIMACY AFTER RAPE
Hello and welcome back to Rape 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me on a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.
In post #75, I spoke about recovery in general from the traumatic violation of rape. I talked about what I see as my recovery looking like. This time, I’m going to focus on sexual intimacy in recovery.
Confidence with another intimate partner after rape is one of my main goals. However it’s also extremely difficult to achieve post sexual violence. Sexual intimacy is explicitly that, intimate. It’s making yourself and your trauma wounds vulnerable to another person.
I have spent many years of dealing with the horrifically brutal sexual trauma. And I have come to realise that making myself vulnerable is the only way forward in my healing journey. But vulnerable on my terms, not anyone else’s.
If I’m going to let a man share my personal space, it has to be my choice. A man suddenly sitting next to me in a doctor’s waiting room, can trigger my inner trauma boundaries with fear of being raped. In the early days of my healing, this was my frequent reaction.
It means that if I’m going to hold hands with a man, it’ll be because I want to. I’m going to be the one to reach out and take his hand. Not because I’m told to. Not because he’s grabbed my hand despite my protestations. It is going to be my conscience decision.
Hugging can be social, yet also very intimate. My trauma leads to my automatic personal assessment that I will be raped. I am overcoming this by taking the lead. For safety, I am practicing telling a man how I want to be hugged and where I want his hands to be on my body.
Like-wise kissing. I want to be the one to lean into the embracement of the man of my choice. Not forced. Not struggling to get away. Not dissociated. It will be my choice whether I give a simple peck on the cheek, full lips, or even a French tongue.
To prevent trauma reactions, I must lead and the man must follow. I have made progress this way, by having long and slow foreplay. This includes controlled “safe area” touching with my clothes on. It allows time for my brain to cope with more sensitive areas such as breasts and inner thighs.
At this stage some areas are still not ready, such as my nipples and vagina, let alone my clitoris. It’s important to note that this is despite the fact that my vaginal secretions are already flowing, which is not an indication of consent.
Some trauma affected areas will always remain off limits. An example of this is my anal area where I was abused, and the back of my neck where I was grabbed and pinned down. Hence the reason I need to guide the partner in foreplay and the physical sex act.
The most difficult part of being intimate for me, is being naked with a man. It’s beyond scary. It literally makes me tremble with fear and worry. What if I get hurt again? Will he stop if I need more time? I prefer to be the one to take my clothes off, to prevent the triggering of my trauma defences. A man suddenly pawing at my clothes is an automatic reminder of being raped.
Before we get to the penetration of his penis into my vagina, again I need a long period of controlled naked foreplay. This is where I will start to guide his hands to the “safe” areas of my intimate body.
To repeat, just because my vagina is clearly wet and dripping fluids and my brain is screaming “yes, yes, yes”, these responses are not an automatic invitation for oral or fingering. I need to make the conscious decision I am safe to enjoy, and want that form of intimacy.
What about you? Are you struggling with sexual intimacy? Remember that it is your choice as to how intimate you wish to be. It’s your body, so take all the time you need at each stage. And when you can do this, you’ll know you’re on your own journey to heal.
The gem of positivity is an affirmation:
I can be safe and sexual at the same time.
And this explains intimacy well. I don’t have to choose either safety or sexual to obtain intimacy. They come hand in hand. Intimacy is the the result of these. I am learning this, one step at a time. That’s how I know that I’m healing. And you can too.
Thank you for joining me on a short walk in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what intimacy looks like to you. Remember, sharing is caring. And until next time, just breathe and believe.
With love and care, Ruby.
