A Bit of Background

 10. A BIT OF BACKGROUND 

Hello there and welcome back. At this time, you get the chance to walk with me in my journey of healing as a sexual assault survivor. Please stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

I realise that I have jumped straight into my story and healing, without actually giving you an idea of where I’m coming from, abuse-wise. So, why did I name this site “Raped 25 Years” and what exactly qualifies me to write it at all.

My sexual abuse started at the age of eighteen months, when I became a plaything of a pedophile ring. I was introduced to the ring by a trusted family friend. It was without my parents knowledge, I would like to make that clear. It was the same trusted family friend, a staunch member of our church, who took my virginity when I was three years old.

Even when we moved away from the area of the pedophile ring, the abuse didn’t stop. One man, a NSW police officer, followed us. He was successful in grooming me into believing he was my real father, instead of the man who is actually my biological father being married to my mother and living in the same house.

During this time, I was also raped by two teachers, one of them because I caught him raping a class friend in the girls’ toilet block, and the other my high school English teacher. The rapes left their marks on me, by way of obsessive compulsive disorder, anorexia nervosa, and bleeding stomach ulcers from the stress of continuing to see these teachers. 

I only got free of the person I knew of as Dad, when we moved again. That was when I actually recognised my biological father as Dad. By this time, I was fifteen years old going on sixteen, and I was in the tenth grade at high school. All went reasonably smoothly until I got to grades eleven and twelve. That was then my English teacher at my new school decided to systematically rape me over my last two years of high school.

After finishing high school, I spent a wonderful year doing further studies. Then, I started what I thought  would be my dream job. It was, in fact, my worst nightmare. I became the butt of workplace harassment, including sexual (gang raping included),  physical and psychological harassment. It was also when I became embroiled in a domestic violence situation, which would not have taken place except for the workplace abuse. 

The domestic violence continued over the course of about eight months, but I stayed in my job for two years. Even when I left my job, I wasn’t safe. As part of my effort to heal, I joined a self-help group. The leader raped me three times, in the course of the year I was a group member, after which I left the group. I then met a man, again at my church, who raped me and demanded sexual pictures and videos of me. I complied because it never occurred to me that it was abuse. As it turned out, I found out later that this man whom I had trusted was in actual fact, a convicted sex offender.

To be blunt, all these things occurred over the course of twenty five years, hence the title of this site. I have spent more than twenty five years, however, being controlled by my reactions to all this abuse. In August of last year I decided enough was enough. I decided that it was time to start healing and get my life back.

Even in this short time of starting my journey, it has been really difficult. I have a new diagnosis as a result of the prolonged complex post traumatic stress disorder, which I will talk about at another time. I am trying to build a relationship with the man who, in every possible way, is my real Dad. I am trying to forge relationships with my siblings, the relationship that was also destroyed by the abuse. But most of all, I am healing to form a healthy relationship with myself.

I am most grateful that I am not alone in my journey to heal. Many years ago, I tried to start the process with Dr C. But I have come to the realisation that I wasn’t ready then, for the arduous process of healing. I am grateful, however, for Dr C’s efforts and input to my journey. My consultant psychiatrist is now Dr Q. A man who genuinely would like to see me heal. Yet, as of August last year, I am in psychotherapy with Dr H. And that’s when I I truly believe the journey really began.

In my opinion, every survivor of abuse, no matter what the type, should have a steadfast helper like Dr H. He is a man who unfortunately has had to pick up the pieces from many abuse survivors. And yet he is not daunted by the people he meets. In fact, he is grateful to be able to play a role in the healing journey of people like myself. I have the joy of working with him both face to face and by zoom each week (isn’t technology wonderful these days?). In fact, if you really must know, this site would not even exist without Dr H’s encouragement. Mostly because I never believed I had anything to offer other people. Slowly but surely, Dr H and Dr Q are showing me that I do.

Today’s gem of positivity is very personal to me. It is the inscription on a pendant I wear, one that was given to me by my sister:

Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.

And it’s true. I do doubt my journey of healing, many many times. But this inscription reminds me that I have come so far already, even though I feel like there is still so far to go. So if I have made it this far, I think I can stick it out a bit longer.

What message or saying is helping you to continue your journey of healing? I invite you to leave it in the comments section. Who knows — it just might help someone else to start healing. Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Until next time, just breathe and believe.