Rape and Guilt

 36. RAPE AND GUILT

Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me for a short walk in my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.

Today I going to talk about the emotion of guilt. It’s the kind of guilt I feel after being raped. And I’m going to use a Dialectic Behavioural Therapy exercise to describe it (well, as best I can).

To me, the color of the guilt I feel, is green. Not neon or pastel green either, but sometimes a strong lush pasture green, and at other times, the darker forest green. Why green, I’m not exactly sure, but it is green. What color is guilt to you?

And what sound do I associate with guilt? The quickening of my breath. And surprisingly enough, the strained sound of silence. Yes, it seems like a silly concept. But for me, silence does have a sound of its very own. What about you?

The body sensations are not unlike distress and fear, to me. It feels like my gut has worked itself up into a washing-machine type of action. It spins round and around. It also feels like my tummy contents are being sloshed around, which is just like the wash cycle. It feels like there are bubbles of soap suds building up on the inside, a very uncomfortable feeling. How does your body sense guilt?

And the picture I see? This is harder to define and explain, and therapy has helped. The picture of guilt is that of me standing before a big dark shadow of a person. My head is hanging down, unable to look the shadow-person in the face. I avoid eye contact at all cost. I even see the toe of my right foot/shoe trying to twist its way into the ground. 

The intensity to which I feel the guilt of my childhood molestation and consequent rapes, is immense. The weight of the guilt feels like a constant heavy burden, pressing me ever deeper. I can’t even begin to describe the burden of weight. It presses all over my body, not just one part. 

I don’t quite know how to express my feelings of guilt as a quality. I guess the best way to explain the quality of my felt guilt, is as a deep core emotion. It’s completely invasive of my whole being. Right down to my very soul. My feelings of guilt take on an all consuming quality, so quick it seems to have overtaken me. And yet so insidiously slow to release.

The thoughts are fairly much the same as each other:

“If I hadn’t worn…..”

“If I hadn’t smiled at him…..”

“If I hadn’t done……”

So, as you can see, I have been, and still am, taking on the guilt of what perpetrators have done to me. The pedofiles groomed me to believe the abuse was my fault. And every subsequent perpetrator has lain the burden of guilt squarely upon me. And yet that is faulty thinking. It is not my fault that I was sexually abused as a child. That action belongs to the perpetrators. Same with all the subsequent rapes and abuse. I’m carrying the guilt, but it’s not mine at all.

Dr H is slowly helping me to understand the truth of the guilt not actually being mine. But after believing the guilt to be mine for so long, I am learning that this healing takes time. At least now the logical part of me knows the truth and admits it. I just have to wait for my emotional side of me to catch up.

Many abuse and rape survivors buy into believing the lie of the guilt being theirs. It’s a natural faulty trauma coping response. Trying to make sense of the senseless, by taking the guilt on themselves. I know, I’ve done that myself. It’s by far easier said than done, but you and I need to place the guilt where it belongs. And that place is with the perpetrators of such vile acts.

For this post, I have chosen a quote that is attributed to Terri Guillemets:

“Guilt is always hungry; don’t let it consume you.”

This is only too true, when it comes to accepting the responsibility, and thus guilt of abuse done to a person. The guilt of the abominable abuse I have had, did consume me. But that doesn’t need to be the case. Once I am able to truly place the guilt with the perpetrators, then the guilt monster will just have to go hungry around me. What about you?

Thank you for taking this short walk with me in my journey of healing. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you are letting guilt go hungry. And until next time, just breathe and believe.

With love and care, Ruby