49. RAPE AND FLASHBACKS
Hello and welcome back to my blog, Raped 25 Years. At this time, I invite you to join me in a walk through my journey of healing from sexual violence. Don’t forget to stay to the end so you can enjoy my gem of positivity.
After sexual abuse and rape, flashbacks are a debilitating part of the aftermath from this abuse. The following forced abortion is just one of the many flashbacks that distress me daily. There is a particularly disturbing element. It mixes abuse events from the traumatic past with safe healthcare people from my present. The person referred to as “you” is Dr H.
The flashback lately is the same, ever since being on the bed in the treatment room. I am being dragged into the room by the man I refer to as Alex. Then you are there, and the others are gone. You tell me to undress, because you’re going to give me a full massage on my back. Once naked, I get onto the bed, and you help me to get comfortable. But then I look down and Dr Q is there, wearing a gown and mask. You are standing beside me and you tell me it must be done and just breathe; it will all be over soon.
You are on my left side so you hold my left hand with your right. Dr Q tells me to put my legs apart so he can do his job. I start to protest, and try to get up. But you lean down and put your right forearm on my chest to hold me down. You tell me to just relax and it won’t hurt so much. But I am kicking out at Dr Q to stop him getting to me. So you catch my left leg with your left arm and pull it towards my chest, bent at the knee. I can’t breathe properly when you do this, so I have to stop fighting.
I start crying. I’m looking into your face pleading for you to not let Dr Q touch me. But you just tell me that everything is okay, to breathe and relax, and it will all be over soon. The I look down, and Dr Q has the dilator in his left hand. I can feel him putting his left hand on my upper thigh, after swapping the tool from left to right hand.
I can’t breathe properly as I feel the cold metal entering me. I start to scream, and say I want to keep the babies this time. The pain of the dilator has me forgetting to kick out any more. The tears are running freely down my cheeks, but you just smooth your left hand across my forehead, telling me to shush and I’m being so good and brave and it’s nearly done. I can feel the dull scraping of my uterus, then Dr Q stands back and says it’s all done, and I’ll be feeling back to normal in no time. But I can’t breathe properly, seeing that the front of his scrubs are covered in blood, the same blood I can feel oozing out of me. You just hold me as I continue to sob, until I’m just sniffling and hiccuping. I am so tired, and I know I lost the fight, so I finally just turn my head away from you and sleep.
The occurrence in this flashback is real. However Dr Q and Dr H, were not present at the actual event. It is my mind reliving the tragedy of this trauma, but with people who are in my present. To be clear, when the events in this flashback occurred, I didn’t even know Dr H and Dr Q. They are not the real perpetrators.
Flashbacks are soul-destroying in their quality of reality. Which makes it so much harder to break free of the toxic cycle and torment of the abuse and trauma that was the original experience. That doesn’t mean that healing can’t happen. It takes a long time, and much appropriate support. I have that much needed circle of caring people around me. It may take a long time, but you will get the supportive people you need and deserve too.
Those nightmarish flashbacks can be beaten. You see, with my new support team helping me, those flashbacks have started to change already. They are becoming less frequent and less realistic. That is what healing is all about. And since it is happening for me, it will happen for you too.
This time the gem of positivity is a melding of two affirmations I found:
This is a memory, not my current reality. The worst is already over.
This is key to remember in the reoccurring flashbacks which haunts both you and I. It is easier said than done, I know. Yet as I heal, I am able to take hold of this affirmation and make it my true reality. And as you heal, you can too.
Thank you for taking this short walk with me. Don’t forget to leave a comment on what helps you through your flashbacks. And until next time, just breathe and believe.
With love and care, Ruby
