45. RAPE AND FIRST CONSENSUAL ORGASM: PART ONE
Hello and welcome back to Raped 25 Years. At this time I invite you to join me in a short walk through my journey of healing from sexual trauma. Don’t forget to stay to the end to enjoy my gem of positivity.
This is an account from my journal. My aim in sharing this with you is to show that there is hope for sexual pleasure to occur after the violence of rape:
The foreplay was a quite scary at first. I wasn’t sure how I would feel. However my lover explained about foreplay, and waited for me to say “yes, go ahead”.
Although I knew where his hand was, I was starting to feel a tingly warmth in my back, breasts and groin. I didn’t know if it was a normal feeling and it worried me a bit, but he asked me what I was feeling. I explained the sensation and he said that it was perfectly normal. Although it was normal, it still scared me a bit, which made me nervous.
When I invited him to put his fingers inside the lips, he said my body wasn’t ready yet. He stroked my outer labia. I could feel myself opening up. It felt a little weird, but nice.
Then I started to feel trembly, and it scared me. His fingers moved in to stroke the inner lips, and I really could feel sparks flashing. I felt extremely good, wanting more, but that brought on panic that my lover would go further than I really wanted, as I stared getting flashbacks.
After a pause for reassurance, his fingers got to my clitoris. That frightened me the most, because I didn’t know what was happening . He explained that it was an orgasm. I was like wow, really? I’d seriously never felt that before. Each rape before had been traumatic convulsions not this unknown orgasmic pleasure.
There was a buildup of pleasure, then just as it was going well, a traumatic image of a past paedofile reoccurred there again. I couldn’t see anything or any person. I struggled blindly, but my lover was there and I could hear his voice. He was telling me to smell him, which I did for safety.
I think it was that sense of security that made the orgasms so pleasurable. Soft, gentle foreplay orgasms. No penetration.
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What about you? As you can see, there are mixed emotions when having sexual contact for the first time, particularly when it’s after sexual abuse and sexual assault. However there is the hope that as you heal, you will enjoy consensual sexual contact safely.
This time, the gem of positivity is a quote attributed to Rupert James Alison:
“Enthusiastic consent is the start of a conversation, not the end of it”.
Consent is not something that can be taken for granted nor treated lightly. It can mean the difference between pleasure and pain, enjoyment and fear. The more I heal, the more I am finding this to be true. And as you heal, you will learn this too.
Thank you for joining me on this short walk with me in my journey to heal. Don’t forget to leave a comment on how you view the word “consent”. And until next time, just breathe and believe.
With love and care, Ruby.
